i am sparticus: How To Establish a Cult, Step One: The Name

How To Establish a Cult, Step One: The Name

So you can't get employment, you've only managed to pay your taxes in the last five years because the government can't tax nothing and no woman will come near you. So what do you do?
Well if you're clever, you establish yourself a cult. This guarantees you money from devoted followers, tax breaks (as you're a religion) and all the beautiful women you can brainwash.
In the words of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion"
 The only problem is, the cult market is crowded, everyone's offering the promise of eternal happiness with the aliens via cool-aid these days, so you've got to do something to really stand out.
So here, to help you, is Sparticus' guide to establishing your very own cult.

Step one: Getting yourself a name

First impressions count, and let's face it, most people's first impression of any cult is when the FBI raid the meeting place and it's on the front page of the newspapers. You want a name that above all looks good in size 24 Times New Roman and will fit on one line.
Now with that in mind, the second point is to make sure that the name has nothing to do with your Cult's beliefs. Is your religion completely and utterly scientifically rubbish? Then call it Scientology!^Disclaimer Now if your religion is going to based around hate, then it should probably have love in it somewhere. Don't worry if you haven't got round to thinking of the beliefs yet, sometimes if you just think of a cool name the beliefs will just spring out of them!
Thirdly don't call yourself a cult! This may sound odd, but most people are put off by the word "cult". We tested 100 passers-by, and found that 97% ^{(all facts made up)} of them associated the word cult with "weird crazy stuff". So ditch the cult. Here are some better names you could try...

• Religion of (it's an oldie, but a goodie)
• "The Church of Whatever", or even better "the first church of whatever"
• "whatever-ism", "whatever-ology" or possibly "whatever-tarianism"

.
Example: You believe that monkey's are actually descended from man, and we should revere them as the gods they are. And we should smoke lots of pot. Well, remembering all the three rules of naming above, "the first church of human ascendancism". Now this example may look like's it's breaking rule one. But I think you'll find "ascedancism cult leader found guilty/dead/stark naked" fits very well on a front page.

Coming Soon. Step Two: So what are we going to believe then?

disclaimer

Claiming that Scientology is a cult is my personal point of view, if scientology proves to be anything other than "a confused concoction of crackpot, dangerously applied psychotherapy, oversimplified, idiotic and inapplicable rules and ideas and science-fiction drivel that is presented to its members (at the "advanced" levels) as profound spiritual truth." I will apologise to the followers of L. Ron Hubbard personally.

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