If You Want To Write Like Em Clever Folk, Talk To Kletus

<<< Previous Entry: TURN IT UP | This Month's entries | Next Entry: Apple Store >>

Following the success of If You Want To Walk On Water You've Got To Get Out Of The Boat by John Ortberg there has been a splurge of Christian books with similar sounding titles (eg If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen). As has previously been shown I'm a sell out, so I have no qualms in saying; publishers of Christian books, if you need someone to join you on the bandwagon I'm there!

To show I'm serious, here are some of my suggested book titles:

  • If you want to be bright and shiny, you've gotta stop hiding under that basket.

  • If you want to turn water into wine, you've got to start getting invited to more wedding parties, loser

  • If you want to speak to angels you've got to start speaking with donkeys.

  • If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son, I've got 99 problems but my eternal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ our saviour isn't one.

  • If you want to be born in the line of David, you've got to be born to Joram who was fathered by Jehoshaphat, who was fathered by Asa, why was fathered by Abijah who was fathered by Rehoboam, who was fathered by Solomon, who was fathered by David.

  • If you want to be born of a virgin, well then you can't. Who do you think you are? God? You'd better be repenting right now you big heretic.

  • If you want to kill 1000 pesky Philistines then you need to kill a donkey and leave it's corpse to decay for a while.

  • If you want to commit murder, you're kinda stuffed. Did you not read the 10 commandments. THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

Right Now

(8) Retreat! Retreat! - 65daysofstatic


Your Comments

the real Phil Brown

If you wanna be a boxer in the golden ring, you have to be able to punch like a south-bound freight train, move in a word like a humming bird's wing if you need to, bob, weave, fake, and deceive when you need to.

Gareth

We have got to record our version of 99 problems....and u know i came up wit it!!!

But you're keeping me humble so thank you!!!

Paul

Come on now mark, give out some credit where it's due.

Mr.Moony

"Let he who is without sin..kick the first ass"

Judo instruction book.

Gareth

He never will!!!! because wit mark its all about him!!!!!!

oh and nice comment phil!!!
loving the bugsy!!!

Sparticus

Let's make this clear... I've got 99 problems was my joke. MY JOKE. Also, you can't call credit for stuff I say in conversation to you. You think that when Jack Dee goes down the pub and his friend says something funny and he says something funny in reply and then makes up a routine about it his friend gets really annoyed and starts heckling because HE WANTS SOME CREDIT? No! And I'm far funnier that Jack Dee. And I have better hair.

the real Phil Brown

It seems, from my position, that this Mark/Gareth (don't ask me which is which) feud has become rather extreme, with Gareth seemingly taking the side of me (?!) :-) and Mark preferring the companionship of Jack Dee's friends...

Now I'm no counsellor, but what I DO know is the only way to sort out this emnity is a good ol' fashioned duel. That, or twelve gibbons... Believe me. So time and place, gents?

Gareth

Calm down mark!!! ha ha!!

Lets end this feud(as phil puts it) and say that it was OUR joke??!!!!

oh and you do have better hair than jack dee!!! ha ha

If I had a website...

I'd put everything funny on it that I possibly could, no matter who said it, and claim all the credit for ME.

Unfortunately if I then met anyone they would think I would be real funny clever.

But then I am real funny clever, and pretty to boot.

The point of all this has escaped me.

crug

not much better hair.
but once he has dyed it 6 or 7 times or what ever it is that he was planning to to it might just beet him.

but then again who am i to talk.

paul

beet him? as in beetroot?

crug

fair comment sir but then i've never been accused of being intelegent or being able to spell anything harder than my name even that i had shortend for simplicity


About, Navigation, And Other Details

This is a website by Mark Walley. If you want to find out more or get in touch, that'd be nice.

Getting around this website can be a tad confusing. If you're looking to explore the better stuff of what I've written then this navigation should help you. If you're after a specific post then searching or looking through the archives chronologically may help.

Things I Found Interesting

People I Generally Find Interesting

Last Words

This site tries its best to be accessible for everyone. Atom, and RSS feeds are available. All content licensed through a creative commons licence. I may have stolen ideas off you when you weren't looking, but it was almost certainly an accident. As with all claims of originality and ownership Psalm 24 v1 applies.