i am sparticus: Words

Comedy Lions

I tell everyone I'm back in a place that has regular internet access and now able to write stuff on the web and what do I do? Not write anything! To use my expression of the week I'm such a punk-ass. If comedy cartoon violence was as safe and as possible as they make out, I'd be threatening some on me right now if I was you. The blame attached to any lack of writing stuff this week shouldn't be placed on me though, rather it should be placed firmly at the feet of the wonderful people who run my course and who seem to think that giving me a week to write 4000 words is fun. Yay!

Nevertheless, because I don't want to leave you with nothing here are two fascinating stories from early church history

• Theologian Origen would have been killed in an early massacre of Christians had not his mother hid his clothes and so prevented him from going outside to suffer with everyone else.


• "If the Tiber rises to the city walls, if the Nile does not rise to the fields, if the heavens do not move or if the earth does, if there is a famine or plague, the cry is at once: 'The Christians to the lion!' Really? All of them to one lion?" - Tertullian approx. 200AD

Standard Entry

I'm back in Swansea with Rhi for a few days, and what with parents to entertain, Swansea to show off (?) and around 5000 words to write for my course I'm sure I'll be updating this lots.

Back In Control

Exciting thing that has happened number 2. I found out the golf buggies are only capped for speed going forwards, in reverse there is no cap.

In Control

I suppose I really ought to write something from Soul Survivor just for completion's sake. So here's a moderately amusing job sheet. "There's a hole in the Red 1. Delegates keep on falling in it. Could someone do something about it? Maybe fill it in?"

Oh how I laughed

Movable Type Beta 3

Because I'm hardcore (and have little to do) I've installed a new beta version of Movabletype (the software that handles all these entries and comments and whatnot). This isn't being told in the hope that you'll be interested, more in the hope that you'll understand when things break horribly. Updating your website with un-finalised code the day you go away for two-and-a-half week? One of my better ideas I'd like to think.

How To Avoid Charity Workers

Increasingly I'm finding charity muggers hard to avoid. I pass about three groups of three or four every week and currently I'm getting stopped about once every week. The standard tactic to avoid these muggers is to look at your feet and then as they approach start paying very close attention to the new range of clothes in Selfridges (Hippy skirts are still the in thing, starting from as little as £10). However I'm finding that this strategy is no longer working. Part of this is my fault as I keep on catching their attention out of the corner of my eye and after that I find it impossible to not laugh when they try to catch my attention and I try to blank them. You try not to laugh when a person who you'd normally see in a shop called 'Tibetan Fashion' starts charging down at you waving their hands all over the place wearing a big red bib saying 'ChildWorldAidsAid' and you're pretending that you can't see them because you're distracted by those nice new tops they've got on display, you know the ones with the buttons on the shoulder?

Anyway, the point of this all is to try to develop a strategy to safely avoid these sorts of people and by accident I've discovered a tactic that seems to work. The other day I was walking along and had a real case of awkward underwear placement syndrome. So bad was it that I wasn't keeping a vigilant eye out for any charity workers. Little did I know it, but as I walked I had been picked as a target; a dyed hair charity mugger started her approach. Closer and closer I came to her, desperately seeking a way to rearrange my underwear, blind to the threat approaching me. Closer and closer the mugger came, till she stood not ten metres away, blocking my path, waiting for me. As I crossed the last few metres she started to wave at me, and at the precise moment the itch got too much for me to bear.

At this point, I find I can't bring myself to write about how I managed to re-arrange my underwear without anyone noticing but the charity worker. No matter how hard I try I don't think I'm going to make myself change my mind on this one, so instead we're just going to skip to the bit where I feel I can resume the narrative okay?

...continued to work without another problem or worry.

Toddlers and Breakfast Cereals

Not satisfied with stealing jokes off friends, I'm now going to lower myself to stealing a humorous story told by my friend about her two year old girl.

The story goes that my friend was getting breakfast ready for her toddler and asked her what she wanted to eat. The toddler replies "Rice Crispies!" which apparently are this toddler's favourite breakfast cereal ever. My friend the mum asks her "are you sure? don't you want Weetabix?" because Weetabix are, in her opinion, the far greater cereal. The toddler looks up at her mum quizzically and says (and you have to imagine this being said by a cute two year old girl with a Welsh accent) "I know, how about we put mummy in the bin?"

Next week on iamsparticus.com, we steal the two funny jokes from the script of ITV's as yet un-broadcast new sitcom and pass them off as our own.

A Chain

You think I'd now have hours of time to post on this here site now that I'm home in Swansea, but so far I've had no time whatsoever. Here instead is a pretty picture Rhiannon took.

Cadaver

Not wanting to be unduly morbid but doesn't the word Cadaver sound great? The word sounds as if it's just going to explode. CADAVER! Go on, say it out loud! CADAVER! And it could be used in so many situations; just think what an excellent name for a cleaning product it would make. CADAVER! and the stains come off! CADAVER those greasy marks away! See how this otherwise dull Batman photo can be liven up with careful use of the word cadaver!

Cadaver! We've neglected you for far too long.

Wednesday the 3rd

• I'm currently hooked on Coffee Mocha Freschettaatoatos from Costa Coffees. Good thing I know someone who works there.
• Important piece of advice to remember in hard times: If worst comes to worst you can always invade France.
• Should the above expression be 'Worse comes to worst' or 'worse comes to worse' or 'worst comes to worst'? Oh the dilemma.
• I'm going back to Swansea on Friday. This is good news for everyone!
• Rhiannon is home from travels at some point tonight. She didn't say when so I won't stay at home and sit by the phone all evening waiting for her to call. It's for times like these I have a mobile.
• I read all of the new Harry Potter book in five hours yesterday. I'm so hardcore.
• All my Slovakia photos are now up on Flickr for your viewing pleasure.

A Doctrine Of Dating

So after much internal wrestling I've decided on the topic of my dissertation. I was going to investigate the relationship between Church and Mission but then my stomach started laying smackdown on my kidneys (internal wrestling! I'm so funny it hurts), so instead I've decided that I am going to work towards developing a biblical systematic doctrine of dating. I'm fairly sure this is the right idea, because I had it in the shower and can still remember it. All ideas i have in the shower are fantastic and only don't get mentioned more often because I invariably forget them (as opposed to ideas you have in the pub, which are fantastic until you try to explain them to the internet the next day, then they spontaneously become dreadful ideas that you are ashamed to ever have thought of). To have an idea in the shower and remember it is therefore a sure sign I'm onto something good. That and it's a big contentious issue that there seems to be no consensus on yet people care very highly about. Granted there are books written on the subject, granted there are a lot of books written on the subject, but so far they all seem to primarily come from sociological or cultural perspective. I propose to do my dissertation based upon the assumption that the bible has something to say on the subject of dating even if it never says it explicitly. I have no idea what my conclusions will be yet and this I consider a bonus, presuppositions being bad and all.

One of the reasons I'm telling you all this is that I have no idea where to start. I'm currently doing reading of various books around the topic but have yet to come across any that really excite me. As well as that I'm compiling a list of questions that Christians often have about dating which herein follows.

• As a Christian, is dating okay? I mean, is God cool with it?
• If Not...
  • What are my alternatives? Courting? Going straight into engagement?
  • What's courting anyway? How's that more pleasing to God?
  • How on earth do I find a wife / husband if I can't date?
  • What do I do with my sexual identity? Repress it?
• If it is okay...
  • How do I date in a way that pleases God?
  • Does it have to aim towards marriage? If I'm not sure I want to marry them am I still allowed to go out with them?^(*)Can I date just for kicks?
  • Can I date a non-Christian? Can I date a non-Christian if I promise to convert him? Can I date a non-Christian if he's rich and I promise to convert him?
  • Do I have to stick at it when it's falling apart? When do I know it's falling apart? How do I dump her in a Godly way? Is by text message a Godly way?
  • If you're having girl problems, what do you do about it?
  • What about all those sex issues? Know of any good loopholes?
• Either way, is intimacy outside marriage wrong? Is just sexual intimacy outside marriage wrong? Is sexual intimacy cool, just not the whole actual physical sex bit?

Right now I'd appreciate the Christian segment of you people reading this to help me with three things. First of all, have you ever read or heard anything decent on dating? Ever read or heard anything controversial on dating? If so tell me what and where. Second, what are your questions about dating? Have I missed any out that you want an answer for? Third, what are your personal beliefs on dating? Any wonderful insights?

I apologise for the Christian orientatedness of this post. If you're not a Christian and are feeling marginalised then feel free to comment about all the excitement Christians are missing out on by being so chaste / frigid. Well maybe not about all of it but feel free to really rub it in. Also please feel free to include the phrase "You don't know what you're missing" in your comments.

Footnotes

*Gareth voiced this question and I feel obliged to credit him as it's a damn good question. The way some people talk about it, unless you're sure that the girl you fancy is the girl you're going to marry you shouldn't even dream of asking them out. IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION: If you know you're going to marry the girl you fancy before you ever go on a date with her YOU HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES. "But God told me we were going to marry" is not acceptable, by anyone, anywhere.

The Best Joke You'll Ever Hear

A drummer falls of a cliff... "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" THUD, crack, thud thud "Aaargh" crack, thud, "Aaaah! Oh my leg! Oh the pain! Is that bone? OH SWEET LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD IT IS BONE! WHY?? WHY?!"