i am sparticus: Words

Political News

Because I feel obliged to feel clever and political. In the quest for a leader man looks on the outside, God looks on the inside, but the conservative party looks...

• At their swanky dress sense, but only to make sure they only owe clothes of the following colours: Gray, Black and Very Very Dark Blue.
• For the light at the end of the tunnel.
• For someone who actually exists in this space and time continuum, or at least one that's observable by the media.
• For someone who looks good on Have I Got News For You (which William Hague did, after he left).
• At their resume to see if they've done anything embarrassing in the past. Except for racist remarks, those can slide as long as they're funny.
• For someone who's as powerful and impressive as Margaret Thatcher, but who won't cause small children to run in fright.
• For someone who can survive in sunlight and doesn't start to melt embarrassingly at funerals and weddings

And so ends my attempt to venture into political commentary.

Important Annoucement!

David Ford , who I keep on ranting and raving about, has his new single out this week, and for those of us who are cheap, it's available for free off iTunes. Seeing as it's the best song to be released in the last few years you'd be very very stupid not to download it. Hell, you'd be stupid not to buy it from the shops and so get the b-sides, but whatever.

Ask Me A Question And I'll Tell You No Lie

By now you should know how this works:

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Space Pen

In yet another off and on going series, "Sermon Illustrations that should have been checked for accuracy first". Introducing...

NASA's amazing Space Pen

The illustration goes something like "NASA spent millions of pounds on a pen that would work in space. The Russians / Canadians / British just used a pencil". I can never remember what it's supposed to illustrate but it's an easy laugh. Anyway, the illustration is a lie. NASA used pencils for a while, although now have stopped and use space pens (for which they paid $4 each). The Russians used grease pens though now use the space pens as well. For more information on how your preacher is wrong...

Daddy Longlegs

Today iamsparticus.com will be looking at the question that's been on everyone's lips for the last few years. Are daddy longlegs really the worst insect ever? Or is there an insect that's rubbisher? I was going to do a top five of the rubbishest insects in the world with daddy longlegs topping that list but then I realised that no other insect even comes close to being as awful as the daddy longlegs and it would be a insult to put an other insect in a list with them. See ants, they maybe annoying with their getting everywhere and randomly appearing when you sit down on grass but they can pick up a gazillion times their own weight and build cities underground. Cockroaches where also mooted for the list because they're big and scary and very annoying, but then they can survive a nuclear blast which makes them pretty hardcore. Flies, wasps, and countless other insects were also discussed but even though some of them weren't great, none of them came close to reaching a level of awfulness that approached the Daddy Longlegs.

So what is that makes a Daddy Longlegs so awfully bad? Well, I suggest at least five reasons:

• Its Name: It's called a 'Daddy Longlegs' which makes it possibly the only insect that a grown man is embarrassed to say the name of. It's a dreadful, dreadful name for an insect. Actually it's a dreadful, dreadful name for anything. Imagine calling your rock band 'Daddy Longlegs'. How many CD's do you reckon you'd sell with a name like that? "Oh yeah, you should really check out this new band called 'Daddy Longlegs'. Yeah, I know the name sucks, but they're really good. Honestly." (I've since found out that one of the guys from the Bloodhound Gang called himself 'Daddy Long Legs'. You see my point?) I can understand trying to be descriptive when naming it, so calling it 'Longlegs' makes sense, but then why would you go and add the 'Daddy' too it? What's that got to do with anything? And why does it end in an s? Did they not think "If we call it a Daddy longlegs then what will will called two or three of them? Daddy Longlegi? Daddy Longlegses? On top of all this is turns out that the name 'Daddy Longlegs' can be used for at least three invertebrates. For the record though, I'm slagging off the one described by the English use of the word, which is technically a called crane fly. That's not such a bad name so I guess the reason we don't use it is because it doesn't suit such a rubbish creature.
• Its inability to settle on a method of transport: Here's a question. Does a Daddy Longlegs walk or fly? Neither, it just aimlessly wanders around between the two. Watching a Daddy Longlegs trying to move is like watching a toddler first start to walk. Although whereas a toddler's like "Oh, I have this things called legs, they might be handy to use to get me around the place, lets try to use them instead of crawl" a daddy longlegs is more like "hmm, I've been using my legs for a bit and they don't seem to get me anywhere, maybe I should try these wings instead? Oh wait, now I remember why I don't use the wings, I don't know how they work. Hell I'll just bump around off the walls for a bit till I get closer to somewhere else and then I'll have a rest". At least a toddler has the excuse that they're a year old and have only just discovered their arms.
• Its inability to decide what type of invertebrate it wants to be: As a child, I imagine you asked a question along the lines of "mummy, can that spider fly?" to which your mummy replied "it's not a spider, it's an insect. Spider's have to have 8 legs, Daddy Longlegs only have 6". Which is scientifically true, however no-one told the Daddy Longlegs this and so it still thinks that if it raises it's game enough it might get promoted into the Spider order.
• It gets in the way: I wouldn't be so anti-Daddy Longlegs if they weren't so irritating, I'm sure their are plenty of equally useless insects but they don't decide to get in the way of my life. No other insect lands with such consistency on my TV as the Daddy Longlegs, which logically makes no sense given it's inability to move properly but just because it doesn't make logical sense doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
• Its a wuss: Try picking a Daddy Longlegs up to throw it out of the window or get it off your TV. You can't! Not because of some miraculous dodging ability but because it falls apart when you pick it up. You're left holding a few wings and the Daddy Longlegs generally hops around for a bit then keels over with shock. Not that that matters because it only lives for about three days anyway.

I was slightly worried that when I actually started researching the Daddy Longlegs it would turn out to have some crucial function in the real world. It would actually have some place to play to in the grand circle of life. As far as I can see it doesn't and I had nothing to fear, the Daddy Longlegs is the rubbishest insect ever.

Statistical Re-Evaluater

In an off and on-going series on made up jobs I could do...

Statistical Re-evaluater

What this job would involve would be an organisation asking me to prove something as true through "Scientific Research" when previous attempts to prove it true have failed. I wouldn't go out and do new research, what I'd do instead would be to make existing research come to different conclusions. Basically it'd be making statistics lie for the benefit of people, but I'm cool with that because it'd pay well.

To give an example, a city council would say to me "we'd like to be able to say with factual confidence that this council estate is the roughest in Europe". And I'd say "okay!" and I'd sift through data and leave out bits and include pieces and compare it to other parts of the country and I'd come out with something clever. And then I'd do the magical magical thing of defining what council estate is, and what roughest is, and what Europe is and at the end my wonderful definition would have eliminated any competing council estates in Europe and I could turn to my employers and say "In this definition of council estate's in Europe, yours is by far the roughest". And there would be much rejoicing as I increased my financial wealth. And then I'd go home and be struck by terrible guilt for what I'd done and realise the emptiness of vast amounts of cash and I'd either harden my heart and die unhappy or I'd turn to God in repentance and give up the job. Either way the long term job prospects wouldn't be great.

New Phone! New Phone!

For all those people who were confused and worried about my phone. REJOICE! For it once was dead and now it's alive! If everyone could now do the whole ringing / texting thing on the 07752... number that's be wonderful. Also I have 1400 text messages free a month, so if you're bored and need amusement TEXT ME. I'll gladly reply.

Top Five Least Favourite Thunderbird Characters

1. Jeff: He sent five of his sons out to risk life and limb every single week while he stayed at home. Actually he sent four of his sons out to risk life and limb every week. The other he exiled to a spaceship for pretty much ever. The guy is a harsh harsh father. No wonder his wife left him for The Hood (see Thunderbirds Series twelvety, Episode IIIXIXMMMTULIP).
2. Virgil: He has the name of a girl (possibly or possibly not, regardless it's hardly a man's name is it now). Also it's the name of an impressionist painter. Either way, slightly effeminate. Plus to get into his Thunderbird he had to turn upside down. What's with that?
3. Alan: He's going out with Tin-Tin, who is one hot girl (a fox as some might say) and never once did I see him buy her flowers. She deserves better.
4. John: The man had no social skills, he lives on a space ship and enjoys the time to himself because it gives him the chance to do astronomy. LOSER! In fairness it's not his fault as his brothers ignore him and his daddy doesn't love him. Still, wouldn't like to spend any time with him. "Uhh hello, my name's John, isn't that a pretty star over there?" "What?" "Umm... Sorry. I like stars" "Shut up John"
5. Kyrano: Repeatedly allows himself to be hypnotized by The Hood. Doesn't see this as potentially intefering with his job role of looking after the world's most secretest secret island. Also rumour has it he cries himself to sleep every night after consuming his own weight in babycham. You heard it here first.

Features

My new phone can run a gameboy color emulator. Now that's a feature I've been waiting for.

Grievances Against The World Number 28

Why on earth did no one inform me that Death Cab For Cutie are very very good? I mean seriously, did you thing that it was clever or something?

Shakespeare Or Scripture

Every year at our course residential we have this thing called 'The Boat Race'. It's basically a glorified competition to find out who's the best centre for delivering the course. Because it takes place in a pub it generally follows a fairly standard pub quiz format with extra bonus shenanigans. While the bonus shenanigans are hilarious, they aren't the great to tell you about. What is great to tell you about (and it is great to tell you about) is the question round called Shakespeare or Scripture.

For one point, identify which of these quotes are from Shakespeare and which are from Scripture. For a bonus point identify which book / play they are from:

1. “Let us get wine, and let us drink heavily of strong drink; And tomorrow will be like today, only more so."


2. "Call up my brother: oh would you had had her, some one way, some another"


3. "I have duly delivered him letters and there appears much joy in him"


4. “If you had not plowed with my heifer, You would not have found out my riddle."


5. “Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die!”

New Phone

In an effort to save money and be a generally less poor person I've gone out and signed up for a new phone. I know that concept should make no sense (Hey ma, to save cash I've switched my year old car for a brand new one with a new contract! The man even gave me these magic beans for free!) but this being Western Capitalist society I'll actually end up around £20 richer a month because of it.

I'm not changing my number as it's far too much hassle, but that does mean at some point next week my phone will not be able to work. In case something amazing happens that I need to be aware of, write it down and see if you can get it published and maybe in a few years time I'll pick it up in a 3 for 2 offer in Waterstones.

Oh Christmas Tree

Congratulations to the Royal George, Ipswich for winning this year's "Celebrating Christmas far too early" award. The annual prize of a year old Christmas Pudding will be given to them during their special "back to school" night (proudly sponsored by Bacardi Breezer)

Missionaries and so forth

You know what I think? I think I don't like the idea of missionaries. I mean, in the first instance of them, when they go out and tell the good news of Jesus to a people group who have never ever heard of Jesus then that's fine. When they start seeing converts that's all good. But when it comes to the second and third instance when they go back to that country and start telling the next door neighbours of the first group of people about Jesus I start to wonder about the point of it all. And then when it gets to the tenth or eleventh instance fifty odd years later where new missionaries are coming to the same area to help run the churches of the first converts and to teach the converts and to go out into the neighbourhoods of the converts I get a bit annoyed. And when two hundred years later the same thing is still happening to the very same church I want to slap someone.

The problem is that for some reason, us Westerners with our fancy cars, hefty theological tomes and fancy powerpoint presentations believe that somehow these things help with the converting process. That local churches need 'properly' trained and qualified leaders or otherwise they'll fail miserably. So we, the Western church, send thousands of missionaries a year to countries where their are already local churches and local people eager to see the gospel spread. In doing this we take the people in this country who are willing to give up their jobs to see people become Christians and we put them in a closed environment to train for a year, then we send them out of this country to a country where they can barely speak the language and can't understand the culture where they continue training for many more years and then finally we announce to the world they're qualified to teach and train the gospel to the local people and they'll be helping lead the current church now. Oh and the local church leaders who've been leading the church till now can now relax a little and concentrate on their regular paid jobs for a while. And if you wouldn't mind setting up a direct debit to the missionary organisation to help cover their living expenses that'd be great.

Meanwhile, four people in the local church who've showed an eagerness for God and leadership ability can't get any training done and any real responsibility is given to the foreign missionaries. Which is fair enough because God can't work nearly as well through local people working in their own local context, after all they might not have read Calvin's institutes, or know the arguments for and against the use of powerpoint in a sermon, or know when it's suitably ironic enough to play 'Shine Jesus Shine'.

For the record: Very obviously I don't object to people telling other people about the Gospel. Obviously I don't object to the practice of sending missionaries places where no-one has heard the Gospel. Obviously their are a ton of good reasons for people to go live in other countries. Obviously I want everyone to hear the gospel and believe. Really really obviously I shouldn't have to say this, but some people always get the wrong end of the stick. If you're a wrong end of the stick type person, this little paragraph was for you.

Unfunny things

Isn't it funny how some weeks you just want to write things every single day and you just can't and then other weeks you can't bring yourself to write anything no matter how hard you try and yet you have to? Isn't that funny?

NO. IT'S NOT FUNNY.

And while we're not being witty, clever and / or entertaining; did you know that on this in 1771 the world's first submarine attack took place when the American submersible craft Turtle attempted to attach a time bomb to the hull of British Admiral Richard Howe's flagship Eagle in New York Harbor?

Time Machines

I foolishly promised Gareth I'd post a new entry to this website every day of the week to make up for my lack of posting in the last month. As I sit here in my new office writing proposals for existing projects I find myself doodling schematics of time machines on post it notes so I can travel back in time and slap myself silly for agreeing to do such a thing.

Wedding Observations

The problem with going to a wedding (congratulations Nic!) with your girlfriend is that you can't really discuss how you'd like to do your own wedding. The problem isn't with the actual content of the conversation so much as the way you open up the topic. See you could say "When I get married I'd..." but by saying 'when' you imply that you're going to get married some day and if you're going to get married then you've going to get married to an actual person and if you're going to get married to an actual person then you're either saying you're going to get married to your current girlfriend or you're saying that you're going to get married to someone else and from neither of those conversation openers are you going to come off looking good.

You could of course say "If I get married I'd..." which on the service sounds much better. Well, at least it does to you. To a girl it sounds like "I want to get married but I don't want to get married to you, because I'm unsure about our relationship. I guess It's an 'if' sort of relationship, where anything could happen. I'm a man. I lack commitment". Out of that conversation there is no escape.