i am sparticus: Words

Stories

Four Squad Cars

I just witnessed eight police officers with four squad cars deal with a homeless man and a public toilet. In fairness immediately afterwards one of the officers said "What, it takes four squad cars to deal with a homeless man and a public toilet?" which endeared him to me greatly. Also in fairness he might have said "bathroom" not toilet, but I'm increasingly confused as to whose expressions are whose, so let's leave it at that.

Nuke 'Em

Found out from a girl staying at the hostel. Her former High School was Richland High School, located in Richland, Washington. Richland is a former closed town, in that it was closed to prevent the leaking of secrets surrounding the town's main industry; that of researching nuclear weaponry during WWII. Officially Richland High School's mascot is a B-17 bomber that the town paid for in the second world war. Officially. Unofficially the school's mascot is a mushroom cloud. And when I say unofficially I mean that it appears on school letterheads, on the Richland High official website, on the school clock and slightly implied in the mosaic of the atomic bomb that dropped on Nagasaki in the foyer of the school. Also it's slightly implied in the chants at American football games, chants such as "Nuke 'em till they glow". The best thing though, are the official school jackets you can buy that say "Made in America tested in Japan" on them. God Bless the USA.

Scientology

Today, at the MUNI station, there were genuine bonafide scientologists. They were offering 'stress tests' and had e-meters. E-meters! I have photos and will post them at some point. Bizarreness.

What People Want

So I don't forget, if you've asked me for stuff from America remind me what it was you wanted. If you didn't ask but want something and I'm going to see you in the next few weeksethen feel free to ask now and I'll try and get hold of it, within reason and everything.

Also Hayley (or Gareth if you ever get round to using MSN) can you be online and signed into msn tomorrow morning at around 9:00? Thanks.

Free World

It's not just San Francisco I'm visting and experiencing but rather the entire nation of the USA and so it's not just Californian stuff I'm doing, but the entire America thing. So apart from odd money, bad beer and 24 hour Starbucks (a profoundly civilised invention) what else is neccessary to make a bonafide American experience? Exercising my right to the second amendment that's what.

It turns out Catherine, being a foreign national of no permanent U.S. residence, having a grand total of two and a half hours of firing experience is experienced enough to train me in the discharging of small arms. SMALL ARMS IN THE FACE. No wait, that's the sort of talk that ruins any future manslaughter pleas.

Anyway, firing a pistol is a slightly surreal experience. Maybe it's that fake guns are so real or becaus all you're really doing is punching holes in a piece of paper over a distance, but it doesn't actually feel like you're actually firing a gun. Not a gun like in the movies anyway.

Some guy down the range is shooting a magnum and the sound is ridiculous, that sounds like a gun. I wonder if that's how it starts though, you get your first gun and for a while it's good, but eventually the power wears off so you upgrade and before you know it you're on a ranch with an M-16 taking out cattle. Taking out cattle in the face! Or the udder. Or whatever

Advice For America In General

Lawsuits: The third concrete pillar along the waiting line at Powell Street cable car turnaround could easily fall over if you sit on it. Go Lawyer Go!

Shop Opening Hours: If you open at half past eight you can get valuable commuter dollars. This is good business sense. The same goes for your banks.

Starbuck: If you only have one Starbucks a block that means you might have to walk up to half a block to get to a Starbucks. PEOPLE COULD DIE IN THIS TIME.

Dollar Bills: For goodness sake, make them different sizes or colours.

Food

Everything With Additives In

I tried to buy milk to go with my Lucky Charms yesterday and was slightly confused when I couldn't find any. I could find the chocolate milk, the strawberry milk, the low-fat milk, and the milk with added vitamin B5, but no regular plain milk. That is, because it seems, there is no regular milk, or for that matter any regular anything. Regular it seems does not sell in America, so everything has to have someting to make it stand out from the crowd. The orange juice has extra calcium, the apple juice has extra vitamin E and the whisky probably has extra riaboflavin 7 (for healthier white blood cells). Which brings me to another point, how do people even know what these additives are? Some of them claim to include 'sfalolon 28' but don't say what sfaolon 28 is or does. Is it good? Do I want it? I don't know but it's in the green flavour of Lifesavers. In the end t he trick to finding the regular one seems to be to find the one which seems to be clutching at straws for what makes it special. Any product that doesn't have anything better to add than protozoic K is average enough for me

Smithwicks Beer

Apparently this stuff is bonafide Irish Ale from a Guiness owned brewery. I'm hoping it's lost a lot in transport across the country because it's possibly the worst pint of ale I've ever had in my life. It tastes like someone has tried to make an ale that tastes as close to Fosters as possible, but with a slight hint of Asda value vodka. All in all, not nice.

Lifesavers

Fruit polos with more E numbers. As awesome as I remember.

Racer 5 IPA

Dear me, this is classed as a beer? Disgusting on every single level. Too strong, harsh, sour and sweet. Like rotten cooking apples mixed with sugar and cheap whiskey. Just nasty.

American TV

Intro

Not one to preconcept, I was sceptical as to how bad American TV really is for adverts. In the last five minutes I saw two advert breaks. Better yet though was that the first advert break came between the end of a tv show and its credits rolling. BETTER YET though was that the second advert break came after the credits had finished rolling. Still, none of that could compare to the advert that I saw in the second break. If I don't get a Sports Utility Vacuum Cleaner, my life is worthless. I could have watched TV all afternoon just to soak it all in, except the next show was Everybody Loves Raymond. Even in America i still don't.

TV everywhere

The TV was on this morning as I went to have breakfast. It was tuned into CNN which was telling of the alarming story of Bush's stance on immigration. Then when I arrived at the bank there were three tvs on, again all showing CNN. The botox-faced woman annoucing the news was reading out the headlines. "In the story of the missing child in Missouri (or wherever it was), the boy has been found... dead". Of the riots in Paris, the end of armed activity by ETA and the release of hostages in Iraq I found out nothing until I found a left copy of the SF Herald (or something) and turned to page 17.

Spanish TV

It's as bad as they make out it is.

The Flight Over

11:20: I can see Blackpool Tower! The hills in the lakes are covered in snow.
11:50: Aeon Flux wastes an hour and a half of my life.
13:20: I find two nines in the same column in The Times' beginners Soduku.
13:47: Out of the window far below there are icebergs. Sigur Ros is playing and I try to get some sleep.
13:57: I mock the swedish person next to me as they model their BA eye cover. They can't see it though.
13:59: John Owen's concept of beholding Christ's glory by faith seems to be understood as by reveling in the character of Christ as revealed by scripture. Is this an ecstatic experience or a cerebral one or what? 15th century puritan author, clarify thyself.
14:30: The guy isn't waiting for the toilet, he's waiting to pay for his duty free.
07:16 (PST): The tv is showing Everybody Loves Raymond as we reach Canada. I hate Raymond. I hope this isn't auspicious
07:45: Father Ted is on and I can make out the province of Quebec.This is better.
08:32: "We've just turned off the inflight entertainment system for a short while to identify an electrical glitch, certainly nothing to worry about." WE'RE ALL DOOMED
08:50: Just saw the most peculiar thing, down below where it should be all white, blue or gray there is a patch of dark brown red. It went behind a cloud fairly immediately. Odd.
10:00: Fiendish Soduku. The 1's and 8's are wrong.
10:24: Snow, while pretty, is deathily boring after a while.
11:03: Cloudly below, in flight entertainment is still broken, but food is on the way. Things could be worse.
11:04: They've just handed out complaint forms. Pre-printed with apologies. This somewhat sounds less sincere. Flying over America now. I'm amazed how big and empty it is. I've seen some roads and that's it. And then of course I see a town.
11:22: You know what would be cool? If they replaced the electronic in seat maps with a plane tracking Google Earth.
12:20: Wow, we just passed over a jetstream. STUFF THAT, a jet just flew under us. I think we just flew over a military base, jetstreams everywhere.
13:00: 20 minutes to landing! 20 minutes!

How This Is Going To Work

The way this San Francisco nonsense is going to work is that i'm going to update old posts that relate to new stuff. That makes little sense I know, but you'll see it work. Also, I've killed the flickr photostream temporarily so you don't miss stuff that slides below it. Enjoy.

Too Much To Say

Gosh, there is so much here I should be saying and yet so very little time. I'm probably going to either start updating old posts as I go along or launch a new subdomain to cope with it all.

I'm off to Alactraz

Arrived

I've arrived safe and sound, when I left the pseudo-underground there was a black gospel choir and I could hear the chimes of a subway car. This is good. Also, I've learnt from Die Hard, only take off your shoes, that way your feet get rest and if things go Nagatomi at least you've got socks on.

Questions

These are the questions I have today:

• Which Fraggle Rock was better, the muppet one or the animated one?


• Steve Chalke employs someone to drive him around in his car, but what car does he drive and does he ride up front with them or sit in the back?

Monday The 20th

Death Cab

Death Cab For Cutie are fast becoming one of my favouritest bands ever and they're playing London in June, how tempting is that? VERY. Also, they've just released videos to everyone one of the tracks on Plans (which you should own). That's the sort of indie boy nonsense we like.

Pirate Shop

San Francisco has a pirate store. Enough said.

Maple Syrup

I had sausages and pancakes and maple syrup for breakfast Saturday morning. This is possibly the best meal ever. I need to replace all my lunch engagments for the next ever with breakfast engagements at the Carrot Cake.

Ask Me A Question About America

Okay, here's the shizzle. From next Wednesday I'm in San Francisco for a week and as part of my ongoing commitment to you dear reader, I promise to try and find out the answers to any suitably American questions asked. The way this'll work is similar to the classic 'ask me a question' formula, except you'll only have a day to ask questions and vote and then the poll will reset. Instead of just answering one question I'll answer ever question that's voted in top. Or try to answer them. Or just make up lies like I normally do.

The winner is the real Phil Brown and how many mickles make a muckle? with 2 votes. The poll is now over, stay tuned for the answer.

Go Ninja Go!

Winners

• Sarah's question about everyone's life being like The O.C.
• Me, asking about taking photos of famous things.

Update!

Now to garner more questions, if you ask me a question in the comments I might answer that too, although no promises like the above questions.

The Attempt To Become Rich Beyond Their Wildest Dreams

HMS The Lord Sunderance was a British frigate that sailed the oceans from April 1490 to June 1512. Mostly its cargo was rum, tobacco, bananas, botanists and drunk soldiers but on the fateful day of 12th June 1512, The Lord Sunderance happened to be carrying large amounts of gold home following a rather fortunate encounter^* with some native South Americans.

The captain's log entry for the 12th June reads as follows "12th June the 1512th year of our lord, headed 12 degrees North North East on fair easterly winds for four hours, estimate travelled 16nm. Turned due east on fair easterly winds for six hours, estimate travelled 48nm". This is because captain's logs are in actual fact quite dull. If captain's logs weren't so dull and had a sense of occasion they might have read something more like this: "Set sail for merry England today with a cargo hold full of gold, we hope to be home before the Autumn festivities and personally I hope to be able to be home for Elizabeth's third birthday. The men are in good spirit with the thought of seeing their wives again and the King's reward for gold. We've been out here far too long and I miss dear Nancy. The navigator has just said that he's seen an odd ship on the horizon directly ahead of us, I suppose I had better go have a look."

Due to a freak weather front combined with the movements of a passing school of whales, the Lord Sunderance was being pulled inexorably into the path of the peculiar ship. As the two ships got closer, the British crew realised that something was wrong with the other ship. For a start, the ship was a completely unfamiliar design but the oddest thing was that the ship seemed to have no crew. If the crew had known that the ship was the attempted ninja ship and that the reason they could not see the other crew was because they were all hiding with their ninja-like skills then they might have been more cautious, but alas.

As the Lord Sunderance got closer there was still no sign of a crew and the British strained ever closer to the edge of the deck, looking for some evidence of life. Then, at the last minute, a sole figure appeared on the bow of the ship, dressed in faded, salt dyed clothes and clutching a bottle of Grog in his hand, the figure turned to face the crew and swaggered. For a minute, no-one said anything, and then, slowly, a snigger spread through the group.

Taking slight umberance at this, the Ninja's killed every person onboard.

To cut a long story short, on finding the vast amounts of gold in the hold of the ship the Ninjas decided honour be damned, they'd much rather get drunk, kill people and spend accumulate hoards of gold. In diagrammatic form:

Attempted Ninja + Grog + Excessive Time at Sea + Gold = Pirate!

Footnotes

* :The story behind this encounter would take some time telling to do it real justice, however for sake of sating curiosity here is a brief synopsis. British land and enter jungle, get significantly lost, stumble across ancient gold-rich civilisation who helpfully point out the path back to the British ships. The British take gold and head back to the sea without any protest. The fortunate part was that a) the British stumbled across and ancient gold-rich civilisation, b) the ancient gold-rich civilisation were friendly and c) the ancient gold-rich civilisation hadn't come across gunpowder yet.

The Attempt To Sail Ships While Retaining That Ninja Cool

Sailing a ship is a hard, hard business, especially when you're not used to sailing a ship. You see one of the key issues with sailing a ship is being able to walk upright on a moving boat, another major issue is the ability to communicate orders between crew members, hell, another major issue is not hiding behind the shadow of your breath whenever you see another member of your crew.

Understandably then, the attempted ninjas were ridiculously bad at sailing to the new world. For a short time there were more attempted ninjas landing on Antarctica than there were penguins (only for a very short time though, ninjas don't wear much and penguins breed very fast). Eventually over time, through some sort of Darwinian selection process, one ship full of attempted Ninjas started heading in the right direction. These successful attempted ninjas had realised one crucial thing. You can't keep on avoiding each other on a ship, you have to speak to each other. This is harder than it might seem, because the whole ethos behind being a ninja is "BE REALLY REALLY SILENT", so much so that real ninjas' vocal cords disappear to ensure they can't accidentally squeak. These attempted ninjas needed something mighty powerful to make them speak, fortunately though, they found it; GROG^*.

With the grog to open up their vocal cords, albeit only well enough to allow the basic-est of speech patterns, the ninjas found they could communicate much better. With better communications and more alcohol in their system the attempted ninjas developed a way in which they could actually see each other face to face. They reasoned that the only reason a real ninja would let him or herself be seen was if they wanted to be seen. And a ninja would only want to be seen to get more glory, or because they were about to kill the person who had seen them. Logically then they could see each other if they thought they'd get more glory in the eyes of the other person. So whenever an attempted ninja saw another they both puffed out their chests and swaggered a lot, often saying this like "GARR" to make themselves seem harder. And of course, if a ninja screwed this up and felt like he'd made a fool of himself he'd have to kill the other person. A third of the crew later and a balance seemed to be met.

Anyway, with the attempted ninjas now half speaking, half drunk and half killing on the smallest offence they found themselves on the west coast of the USA. Deciding that it looked too much like Mexico they proceeded to head South, then South some more, the East a bit, then North a lot, until they reached the sunny bay of the Caribbean, or whatever it's technically called. By this time the attempted ninjas clothes had all faded and been stained by the sea. Suffering an identity crisis like no other many of the attempted ninjas began to question their very existence. After all, hadn't they left home to get more honour not lose it at sea?

Fortunately, the solution to their problems floated just beyond the horizon.

Footnotes

* If my memory (and google) serve me correctly Grog is made up of "Kerosene, Glycol acid, Artificial sweeteners, Sulfuric acid, Rum, Acetone, Red dye #2, Scumm, Axle grease, Battery acid, znd/or pepperoni".

The Attempt of the Ninjas

It's a little known fact but there are many many people who have attempted to become a ninja and failed miserably. This shouldn't be surprising as being a ninja is a very tricky business, as my copy of the much fabled 'how to be a ninja' one page tome reads:

'becoming a ninja is damn hard, can you fall out of the sky like a leaf on the wind before impaling your sword into the very heart of fear itself? No? I thought not. And you never will either so give up now'.

Many fail in the basic ninja initiation tests of 'being really really silent', 'killing people with your mind', 'staring death in the face till it does your bidding' and 'looking good in black', but some fail at a later stage under conditions that no-one has ever described adequately (or at all, seeing as everyone who failed at the later stage was found some weeks after without a head or, rather curiously, their third toe).

What became of this failed ninjas? As there was no honour or comfort to be find at home they looked for a way out to freedom. With the news of new continents to explore many banded together, hired boats and proceeded to head out East to the new lands, to seek fame, fortune and possibly gold.

The Attempt Of The Explorers

Piracy's roots lie in an attempt by Christopher Columbus to discover a trade route to India. Rather famously he failed at this and instead discovered two whole continents instead. Peculiarly this was seen as somewhat less of an achievement and, for a while at least, people were quite irritated that these continents were getting in the way of them bringing spices home from India. Eventually someone realised that perhaps this wasn't so much a problem as an an opportunity (remember the post-it notes? and so began the general raping and plundering of the new world. For now the important thing is that eventually these explorers got to the Far East and found spices, noodles and that they'd been beat to discovering every major invention for the last two thousand or so years.

But that wasn't it, because you see, as well as the explorers discovering exciting things, the natives in the Far East discovered that the explorers had discovered lands that they didn't mean to have discovered. Possibly. Anyway, the Japanese (for that is who they were) were slightly peeved that while they'd beaten the Europeans to gunpowder, compasses, decent metallurgy and tasty food they hadn't realised the giant great big series of continents to their East. Not to be out done by the Europeans, the Japanese sent their greatest spies back stowed away on the ships to explore to the new lands for the Japanese. These spies snuck in undetected to the boats and when the eventually reached the American mainland they spread out till they infected every area of the new world. These spies where never seen but soon people began to speak of them, the invisible invaders who had come to destroy the new continents. The NINJAS.

Where Do Pirates Come From?

The word Pirate comes from the Latin word "Pirata", which in English means 'to attempt' and that is a pretty fair summary of piracy in all its history and forms; 'an attempt'. It's important to recognise at this point that the phrase 'an attempt' implies 'a great big failure'. All things described as attempts are failures, If someone succeeds at something you don't call it an attempt, you call it a success. And obviously if they made enough of an attempt to warrant mention that they attempted it then they must have failed fairly conclusively. So when you read "they made an attempt to do something" read "they tried their best and still failed, doesn't that suck".

Anyway.

Over the next few days we'll be exploring the history of Pirates, but as we do we'll note this recurring theme of attempting to do something and failing miserably. But as that famous story about the post-it notes^* goes, even failure can yadda-yadda-yadda etc... Whatever, stay tuned to iamsparticus.com as all this week we explore the history of Pirates. Yargh.

Pirates in popular art; note the poor diet responsible for scurvy and lack of manly beard growth.

Footnotes

* If you haven't heard the story of the creation of post-it notes then obviously you haven't been paying enough attention to any assemblies, church services, motivational seminars or business attitude books that you may have come across. Basically the story of the post-it note is that some man attempted to make super strong glue that never came unstuck but failed dramatically, instead he made a glue that was incredibly weak and could be un-stuck and re-stuck again and again. About to throw it away he realised that maybe this glue could have a use and oh joy of joys post-it notes were born. This proves that just because you do the opposite of what you attempted to do doesn't mean that your time has been wasted. Like if you got in your car and drove to Exeter when you meant to drive to Edinburgh. Or if you attempted to make a million and ended up owing debtors a million. Or if, oh good grief wasn't this meant to be about pirates? Why am I still writing? I should learn when to shut up.

Insurance

I went into Barclays yesterday to talk to them about various financial matters (turns out that 'wanting to launch a scientific study into why people are always after me lucky charms' isn't grounds for a loan) including travel insurance. No-one at the branch itself seemed to know anything about travel insurance other than that I was in the unfortunate category of those who had a student + addition account as opposed to a student additions count. There goes my free travel insurance apparently.

So the friendly woman I'm speaking to rings up another branch, or office, or dimension, or something and asks for their travel insurance specialist, she passes on the details I already told her like where and when I'm going and how unlikely to die I am. She then passes over the phone to me and the man on the other end of the phone asks me the same questions again, meanwhile the friendly woman starts to look slightly bored and organises her desk slightly, I irritate her by waiting till she's perpendicularlized everything and then putting the pen she lent me down on the table at a 60 degree angle to the keyboard. Then man on the phone then asks if he can read out the Barclays general statement of disclaimerness, I say yes. He does. For like three thousand hours. In the time it takes him to get through the statement, the friendly woman opposite me has re-rearranged her desk, cleaned her nails, completed all three of today's Soduko in The Telegraph and read through most of The Order Of The Phoenix.

With all that out of the way the man I'm beginning to hate on the telephone asks me about my trip, again. After explaining what I'll be covered for which takes a while (in the time of which the friendly woman has made herself a cup of coffee, from scratch. Her pottery skills are average but she knows how to tend a coffee plant), he finally gives me a quote. It'll cost around forty pounds for insurance for a week. At least it will unless I want extra options. I'm not convinced it's a good idea to ask what these extra options are, but I figure I've already wasted enough time. It's a good thing I did ask because otherwise I would have gone ahead and played golf without any insurance for it whatsoever.

The long and the short of it though is this, The British Mountaineering Council offer cheaper insurance if you're a member and your money gets ploughed into a charity to develop the access to and environment of mountains. And they're more sympathetic to the idea of funding scientific research. Marshmallow and Frosted Oats goodness, here I come.

Blow

Zelda is twenty years old today. Huzzah.

People of the world need to take note though, STOP SLAGGING OFF THE WIND WAKER. Zelda The Wind Waker is by far the best Zelda game ever. To all those who say "It's too cute", go back and play ever other game that's not Ocarina of Time. Zelda is a cute game, deal with it. To all those who say "there is too much faffing around and not enough dungeons" then they're probably right, but remember some of the dungeons in Ocarina? The inside of a fish one? That was dreadful! The combat in Ocarina was average at best, the combat in The Wind Waker though, now that was fun.

Stick

So I found out that whiteboard markers come off my phone as easily as a regular whiteboard and seeing great gag potential, I drew a picture of Gareth on my phone screen and then pretended to take a photo of him. When Gareth asks about the picture, I went "here, check it out" giving him a picture of himself as a cartoon.

Someone do me the great service of explaining to the world why this is the funniest joke you've heard in like, oh I don't know, FOREVER.

Happening This Week

In a novel attempt to keep people informed about this website, here's what's happening over the next few weeks:

This Week

Much discussion on why I should not be writing on this website but instead finishing an essay on faith and justice. Possible photos from an Indian. Me generally making up / thieving witticisms like I normally do

Next Week

Pirate History Week on iamsparticus.com! For some roundabout and nonsensical reason all this week iamsparticus.com will be celebrating pirate history. Excitement abounds!

The Week After

Pre-San-Francisco-Travelling-Madness-Week! Ask me what you want to find out about America and I'll find it out for you!

The Next Week After

Live-San-Francisco-Update-Week. In which I try and take photographs of things I shouldn't, ask questions about things that are secret and generally try and cause a fuss, and all before I get out of immigration! When they arrest me and ask me if any of this was premeditated I so won't be able to deny anything.

Some Point In The Future

Live updating from Guantanamo Bay

Uncouth

"Your mama is so fat that when she sits around the drawing room, she sits around the drawing room."

"Your mama is so stupid she got hit by a parked hansom."

"Your mama is so fat that when she wore her white dress to the beach Ahab tried to harpoon her"

"Your mama is so ugly that your papa takes her to work so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye."

"Are you implying my ma is a hussy?"

Stuff

Happy Saint David's Day

I wrote about him last year, so if you want new information tough. If you want to buy me welsh cakes though, go right ahead.

Google Inline Translate

You know how you can type in Google, '140 stone in kilogram' and it works out the answer for you? Well I thought I'd see if it works if you type in something like 'hello in French' and lo and behold it works! It also works in Spanish, but interestingly enough it doesn't work in any other language that I've tried so far and with any other word other than 'hello'. Sign of things to come though. Also it seems to get results from other places as oppose to use Google's built in translation services, which is slightly more interesting long-term. The future of automatic universal translation is here. Maybe.

Also, this maybe an exclusive to me, as I stumbled upon it by accident. You heard it here first!

Alcohol for Lent

I've given up alcohol for lent. Other people who've given up stuff for lent include Sarah and Scott. Fascinating I know.

Mysql Installation on OS X

If you stupidly tried to install Mysql 5.0 on OS X and you now can't reinstall Mysql 4.1 what you need to do is delete the mysql package receipt under library/reciepts/. Job done.