i am sparticus: Words

Cheet

In an e-mail I was sending to young people I got the word order wrong of 'chat' and 'meet' in this now corrected sentence: "...would love to meet up and chat with you about it". A slight error I think.

Hungarian

Phil: "Mark, can you do a basic introduction to Hungarian for Thursday's meeting about Hungary, you know, just stuff like 'hello', 'goodbye', 'thank you', that sort of thing."
Me: "Why sure Phil, I'd love to do that. I'm always eager to do lots of work."

Thursday Morning:

Me: "Hmmm, I should probably start this language business. I wonder what Wikipedia has to say on the Hungarian Language?"
Wikipedia: "The Hungarian language is a Finno-Ugric language, unrelated to the other languages of Central Europe. As one of the small number of modern European languages which do not belong to the Indo-European language family it has always been of great interest to linguists."
Me: "Gosh"

Ow

Unfortunately last week I lost a charity giving betting auction type event (it was confusing) and ended up having to have my legs waxed. The process itself was painful, but it's not nearly the tongue-biting experience everyone makes it out to be. What's worse is the clammy wet feeling all over your legs that you get the next day and then can't shake off. It makes you check your legs every few minutes to see if you've accidentally fallen in a pool of water. Possibly. What's even worse than that is that I can no longer boast about having never done any of those stupid youth worker type "aren't I zany, I dyed my hair green just to make a point about church being so dull" activities.

Cropped

My last essay is due in today and so I haven't been thinking about writing much this week. However, I have been finding new and fun ways to procrastinate. It turns out you can make alright photos much better if you're willing to spend a few hours cropping.

This photo previously consisted of a lot of sky and dull water and a very small sail boat. Cropp'd!

I like the way the lamp-post cuts this photo in half right down the middle. Well, I say right down the middle, turns out I can't judge these things very well with my eye. Previously this photo contained excessive amounts of blurry Rhiannon so even without the lamp post being dead on that's an improvement. Okay, so maybe all my comedy skills haven't gone. Maybe.

The only interesting bit in this photo was the bit saying "Beck's Motor Lodge". Cropp'd!

To prove I can take photos without needing to crop them though, here's a picture I took of Hope Of The States when they played a few nights ago. In reality, this post has been just there to provide an excuse up to post this photo.

Top Five Appallingly Bad Claims To Fame

• Anything that starts "So we were at this Star Trek convention when we ran into Walter_Koenig..."
• Anything that ends "... which just goes to show that the Guinness World Records Book Company doesn't represent the wider views represented by the train spotting community."
• Anything that contains the words "of course it all took off when I posted it to my weblog".
• "Did you know that my brothers band once opened for On a Friday?"
• "You know in the opening credits to Scrubs where JD hooks up an X-Ray of some guys chest to the light box? That's my chest!"

Monday The 19th

• I spent thirty minutes last Thursday trying to find out which Scrubs episode had "A Little Respect" in it. Turns out it's the third episode in and I had been working in reverse order. Alas.
• Tonight I'm borrowing "Left Behind - The Movie" off a friend. Well, I say a friend.
• Today when I called a website's tech support number I managed to confuse them by using too much geek speak. This happens quite frequently when I call tech support.
• I made the following joke in a talk last weekend: "You typed in 'Go Forward One' and it went forward one. So then you typed in 'Go Back One' and it went back one. That was it really. They hadn't invented left and right back then." Not particularly funny, but worthy of note because it's the first ever "aren't I old" joke I've made in a talk. At 22 your life is over.
• I'm speaking tomorrow to a bunch of youth workers and one of the points I'm going to make is how being young and hip and cool is unhelpful in youth work and about how you should probably retire early. I'm going to make some quasi-ironic jokes about how I model both of those. At 22 you're too young to garner any respect.

Amillenial Fiction

Steve and Jacob were sitting in the pub when all of a sudden Christ came back.

Next week on iamsparticus.com, we discuss the Willennium. Get Jiggy wit it.

Left Behind: Eternal Forces

So they're making a Left Behind game and Fred Clark has beaten everyone to the first witty response about the game. There's plenty to go around though, so here's my list of theological ludicrousities I've found on the games website:

1. Conduct physical & spiritual warfare: using the power of prayer to strengthen your troops in combat and wield modern military weaponry throughout the game world. I've always dreamed of the possibility of getting the "the power of prayer" and "modern military weaponry" on the same side joined together like some awesome transformer-zoid type thing. Finally someone's worked out the logistics of it!
2. Recover ancient scriptures and witness spectacular Angelic and Demonic activity as a direct consequence of your choices. Including, but not limited to, the gospel of Wheatus, the happy-joy-luck apocrypha, A. A. Milne's complete guide to the fourth trumpet and Tim LaHaye's early mid-tribulation premillenialist book notes.
3. Control more than 30 units types - from Prayer Warrior and Hellraiser to Spies, Special Forces and Battle Tanks! See point 1, but with more sarcasm.
4. Enjoy a robust single player experience across dozens of New York City maps in Story Mode – fighting in China Town , SoHo , Uptown and more! Or as I'd quote it in an essay; Enjoy a robust single player experience... fighting [and killing the heathen].
5. "Why does this game have to contain violence at all? Why is it necessary for a fun and successful game?" Violence is not required to make a fun game. However, it is required to make a game about the end of the world in the Left Behind book series. ...unnecessary killing will result in lower Spirit points which are essential to winning. Any game based around the Christian life that has winning based upon the amounts of points you accumulate seems a tad horribly horribly perverted. (already posted as a comment elsewhere)
6. The trailer to the game is absolutely awesome. I like the voiceover that goes "Throughout history, men and women have chosen one of three paths..." while important images from mans' history play out behind a floaty timeline with some memorable dates on it. What's so great is that the dates are 1350, 1492, 1621, 1776, 1830, 1861, 1945 and 1963. I've no idea what's special about the first date but the rest are Columbus finding America, the first Thanksgiving in America, the signing of the American Declaration of Independence, the American signing of the Indian Removal Act¹, the beginning of the American Civil War, America wins World War II and American Martin Luther King gives his "I Have a Dream Speech". When you read the bible and it says "the Kingdom of Heaven", "the Kingdom of God", "the Church" and "the saved"², read "America".
7. "How closely does LEFT BEHIND: Eternal Forces follow the Book of Revelation?" The LEFT BEHIND book series is fictional. We have developed our game in a manner consistent with the fictional characters and events of this tremendous popular fictional book series. I like that though they are the ones writing the questions and can make them say whatever they want, they still manage to ask a question they have to dodge. It tells you enough about the game's Biblical accuracy though.
8. "Are guns used by Christians against non-Christians? Why or why not?" The storyline in the game begins just after the Rapture has occurred – when all adult Christians, all infants, and many children were instantly swept home to Heaven and off the Earth by God. The remaining population – those who were left behind – are then poised to make a decision at some point. They cannot remain neutral. Their choice is to either join the AntiChrist – which is an imposturous one world government seeking peace for all of mankind, or they may join the Tribulation Force – which seeks to expose the truth and defend themselves against the forces of the AntiChrist." Again the dodging of a question that they themselves have set is fantastic. Also, what does "imposturous" mean? In the context I can only believe it means really really nice, as who else is going to be seeking peace for all mankind?
9. "Does the violence depicted in the game run contrary to Jesus’ message on “love your enemy”?" Absolutely not. Christians are quite clearly taught to turn the other cheek and to love their enemies. It is equally true that no one should forfeit their lives to an aggressor who is bent on inflicting death." Let me make this clear, the answer to the question “Does the violence depicted in the game run contrary to Jesus’ message on “love your enemy”?” is "No, killing those who aren't Christian is not contrary to Jesus' teachings". Going so far as to forfeit your life to an aggressor who is bent on inflicting death is simply crazy and something no-one should ever do. So much for Stephen dying without fighting back and forgiving his enemies and so much for pretty much every Christian martyr ever. You should have fought back you fools! You should have commanded a thousand angels to come down and rescue you. And as for the Son of God giving Himself up to die on a cross, what kind of crazy person was he? Did he not know he could have destroyed them all? What was he attempting to do dying like that?

¹ Obscure I know, but it's supported by the accompanying pictures. In fairness none of the events are portrayed like they are good things.

² I don't think the bible ever uses the expression "the saved". If it did though.

Sing You've Been Gone

Is it me, or does the new Hope Of The States single Sing It Out have a very similar intro to Kelly Clarkson's Since U Been Gone?

powered by ODEO

Scott Matthews, Foo Fighters (acoustic)

A few things before I start this review. Firstly, I understand that you're jealous that I saw the Foo Fighters live acoustically and you didn't, but you should probably try and get over that. Secondly, for some reason the Ipswich Regent decided that it would be a good idea to take everyone's cameras off them and insist that all phones were switched off. This is a small minded, silly decision and in result I have no decent photos of the night. Thirdly, there were many many people at the gig who could not understand when it was perhaps not the most appropriate timing for clapping, or who could not understand when it was perhaps not the appropriate clapping for the timing. Either way, not so great.

But, those are very minor things, things I just want to get out of the way so that they can be never mentioned again and I can talk about how amazing the concert was without interruptions. Support was Scott Matthews and he was very good if very nervous. He sounds vaguely Jeff Buckley-ish when he sings and so it really throws you when he starts speaking between songs in a really think Brummie accent. The first three and last song were the best, the middle part of the set seemed someone lacking. Very good none-the-less. Next time he might want to tell everyone who he is from the stage though, when he announced "the website is scottmatthewsmusic.co.uk" the "aaaah" from the audience was noticeable.

Then Dave Grohl came on stage after much applause he sat down and with just an acoustic guitar sang "Razor" and the crowd went absolutely silent because this was the greatest thing anyone could ever see. It was very very good. The rest of the Foos joined to finish the song and they then proceeded to laugh and joke and play through every single song off the acoustic album as well as 10 or so other older ones. They played "See You" and "February Stars" and "Next Year" and "Best Of You" and "Everlong" and Dave Grohl was like THAT CLOSE TO ME. Sorry, the excitement may carry me away at this point, but you have to understand that the Foo Fighters played right there and then on the stage in front of me and they were the best thing ever.

Survivors

If you don't know what the Left Behind series is then congratulations, you're a very lucky person. According to Wikipedia they're "a series of novels by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, dealing with Christian dispensationalist End Times: pretribulation, premillennial, Christian eschatology viewpoint of the end of the world. " Don't understand that? I don't blame you, most people who read the novels don't understand those terms either and assume that they're standard Christian belief, that they portray what the Bible portrays. Unfortunately this isn't the case, the Left Behind series is based on shockingly bad theology.

The overarching criticism of these books is probably best summed up by one Fred Clark when he says that dispensationalism is "evil, anti-Christian crap" (that, and an entire series of thoughts on the books can be found on his website). One of reasons dispensationalism is so bad is that it requires an 'literal till it breaks down' form of biblical interpretation. Any passage in the bible, regardless of whether it's the story of someone's life, a poem, a dream, a parable or a vision of heaven needs to be treated as literal as possible even if that makes the passage almost nonsense. Except in some cases where you can make out that the bible means whatever it is you want. So when Jeremiah 6:22-23 says:

"Look, an army is coming
from the land of the north;
a great nation is being stirred up
from the ends of the earth.

They are armed with bow and spear;
they are cruel and show no mercy.
They sound like the roaring sea
as they ride on their horses;
they come like men in battle formation
to attack you, O Daughter of Zion."

The Army is read a real literal army, and the North is a real literal nation (Russia is commonly picked, communist scum) but the "armed with bow and spear" bit? That's an image for nuclear weaponry. Let the reader make up his own interpretation.

Anyway, as there is no real grounds for how to interpret the Bible properly lots of division occurs among dispensationalists, not least in regards to how exactly the end times work out. These divisions can get quite heated sometimes with many words written and much energy spent on trying to recruit people to the cause of the one true correct side. Which is how at sometime last week my friend got given a copy of "Survivors", a novelised view of the real way the world is going to end. According to the authors of this novel, what's wrong with the Left Behind series is that they're "pretribulational premillennial dispensationalists", not "posttribunational premillennial dispensationalists". The Left Behind writers are crazy heretics who have lost all hope of eternal salvation and are going to spend eternity in hell because they believe in "pre-" not "post-".

Writers of novels, theologians and the general public: Being willing to condemn a school of theology and everyone associated with it on the basis of it having one prefix of difference from your school of theology is a sure sign that you are very very wrong.

Win

Could someone please tell me why, after a very unconvincing 1 - 0 victory over a not very good side, did the fans of one of the least patriotic countries¹ in the world dance in the middle of one of Ipswich's main streets blocking traffic for twenty minutes? If I was being unkind I'd suggest people were taking every opportunity to celebrate in case another didn't come along. As it is I'll just say you might want to pace yourself.

¹ By this I mean England, not Britian. And if you don't believe me English people, what did you do this year on April 23?

Tickets and Ebay

With the Foo Fighters playing an incredibly rare acoustic gig in short notice in a tiny venue, lots of people missed out on tickets who'd want to go. Therefore eBay touts are raking it in right now. Currently tickets are up to £112 for two which is a sizeable amount over the £60 two are worth. Interestingly they peaked in the first three days when they hit £80 for one, but that may have to do with the venue posting on eBay that they'll cancel any tickets sold online. Regardless, it's interesting to see what people buy and sell stuff for, especially when you're disinterested because you queued up for three hours to get tickets and have no intention of selling them WHATSOEVER.

In The Jungle

Here's a much discussed question I thought I'd share with the world: How many Disney Songs can you sing with minimal fudging of words? This is an especially good question to pose if you then ask the person to prove that they know what they're talking about. Putting my money where my mouth is, here is my list of songs I claim to know.

• Aladdin, A Whole New World: This is one of those songs where you sing the tiny bit of the verse that you know and then jump to chorus where you just get stuck and it goes round and round and round. I'm not sure I even know any of the verse here, but so what: "A whole new world, a new fantastic point of view, and there's a shooting star, climbing far, waiting for, something something something... A WHOLE NEW WORLD... (and repeat until tired / beaten up)"

• The Lion King, pretty much the entire score: I don't feel that I need to prove to anyone that I know the entire score to The Lion King. My renditions of "The Circle of Life" and "I Just Can't Wait To Be King" are particularly good.

• Beauty and The Beast, Tale As Old As Time: I don't know why I'm pretending that I know this because I blatantly only know two lines. I'm not even sure that the title is right. "Tale as time, song as old as rhyme, beauty and the beast". That's fairly pathetic I know, but whatever.

• The Jungle Book, The Bare Necessities: "It's the bare necessities, that's why a bear can rest at ease, forget about your troubles and just dance, because it's the dah-du-dah-duh-da etc..."

Alright, you do better.

Portable Toilets and How To Use Them

In case anyone wanted to know, here is the UK law regarding toilet facilities at events:

If your event lasts under 6 hours.

1 toilet for every 120 females
1 toilet for every 600 men and 1 urinal for every 175 men

If your event lasts over 6 hours.

1 toilet for every 100 females
1 toilet for every 500 men and 1 urinal for every 150 men

Next week on iamsparticus.com: the legal recourses granted to you if you injury yourself whilst playing tiddlywinks.

Hover Toilet

"What's that?"
"It's a hover toilet"
"Why is that a good idea?"
"Dude, it's a HOVER toilet"

Brief

Some things in short order.

• I'm in Bristol for the weekend for lectures. This isn't really that important save that the lecture halls have wireless broadband and it's very fast. Ridiculously fast. Uploaded 45 megabits in around 3 minutes.
• Me and Giles went to see Clifton Suspension Bridge yesterday, it's quiet shiny. There were a bunch of climbers going up the side of the gorge which was quite impressive. What I was particularly impressed by is the sign on these flats that uses the word 'opulent' to advertise them. I'm liking the way in which in this day an age opulence can be seen as a good thing.
• Currently this website fails on Internet Explorer. I haven't a clue why this is and I've never seen it before, but the site refuses to turn up even slightly in Internet Explorer. It looks like I've not closed the head tag or somehow Internet Explorer sees everything as display:none, but I haven't a clue why. I've saved an html file with the header cut down slightly and it works within reason in ie 5.0 mac (well, it displays which is something). If anyone can work out what it is, I'd be very grateful. Something in the javascript was screwing Internet Explorer up badly. I've disabled it temporarily and I'll sort it out when I have more free time. Found the issue, Internet Explorer doesn't understand that when you say "<script src... />" you mean "<script src... > </script>". Stupid thing.
• Also, if someone could screenshot the bug in Firefox for Windows and e-mail it to me that'd be swell. I've seen the bug in Firefox, but haven't a clue why it exists. If I link to any page via a # it'll jump to that section and not display anything above it. Any clues would be great.

The News

So it turns out that just because iamsparticus.com was closed for a week doesn't mean the world stopped producing comment worthy things for a week.¹ If I'd had a website this week, this is what you would have heard:

We're all going to die in the next 100 years!²

Thom Yorke MP3s have slipped out onto the Internet. I have nothing original to say on them but only because my cousin made the best comment when he compared them to The Postal Service. Thom Yorke's solo work is to Radiohead as The Postal Service is to Death Cab For Cutie.

If you've heard the story of the American family on the news who discovered the daughter they'd be looking after for a month was actually another girl and their daughter was dead and buried and thought "good grief that's terrible" then you'd be right. What you probably didn't hear though is that the family has been keeping a weblog of her recovery. It's one of the most powerful things you'll ever read, so I suggest you do it. Now.

So so far we've had bad news for the sake of bad news, good news to cheer us up and poignant news to make us all feel a bit sad again, which means if we're going to stick with the trite news bulletin format we need "bizarre humorous story of the week".

The Foo Fighters are playing Ipswich in a week and a half. What? I KNOW. The world has gone insane and one of the biggest rock bands in the world have decided to play an acoustic gig to 1,750 people five minutes walk from my house. Queuing took four hours, but now I have tickets and you don't. YOU LOSE! And on that note of belittlement, it's probably time for the weather.

¹ This is a bug that will apparently be corrected in the next version of me. The bug lies somewhere in the interpretation script that seems to only occur when running in amillenialism mode.
There's joke potential in their somewhere, but let the reader understand.

² Barring Christ coming back, which could happen now. Or now. Or some time soon. So stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.

Version II

It's Sunday.

I don't want to say much about this right now, because I'm very tired. Needless to say, everything is great and it'll all probably break at the touch of a button. Older stuff may not look there yet because I've haven't pushed the rebuilding through yet. Also, I haven't checked this on Internet Explorer. It'll be fine I'm sure though.