i am sparticus: Words

Replacement Fruits

A friend / acquaintance of mine who happens to be a nurse told me the other day that the official line about having to eat five fruit or vegetables a day is a lie. What you should be doing is eating eight fruits a day, but the government thought everyone would give up if they tried this so they just told everyone to eat five. I suppose the idea is that there'll be a gradual fruit creep over the years till at some point in 2050 we'll all be on eight fruits a day. I'm not sure which idea I dislike more, that I know have to eat eight fruit a day, that the government lies to us, or that as a population we're incapable of eating eight fruits a day. Anyway, that's besides the point. The point is, we need to be eating more fruit and vegetables and the best way of doing this is to become slightly more liberal over what a fruit actually is. Here's my proposed, revised fruit and vegetable list.

1. Fruits.
2. Vegetables.
3. Vegetables that are technically fruits.
4. Things that rhyme with tomato.
5. Fruits that are technically vegetables.
6. E numbers 140-149, 530-549, 930-949.
7. Anything with palm trees on the packaging.
8. Smaller animals.
9. Cillit Bang

That's Numberwang!

So I open the Guardian this morning to discover a full-page spread advertising what is quite possibly the best and most fantastic advertising related news ever. Mitchell and Webb are appearing in the new Apple I'm a PC / I'm a Mac adverts for the UK. Alas some of them seem to be straight rehashes of the American ones, but still it's fairly awesome ('Tentacle' is the best one).

The irony is though, that the DVD of Season 3 of Peep Show, the program they're most famous for, doesn't actually play in the default Apple DVD player because of wonderfully useless Macrovision Ripguard copy protection. The way around this is either VLC or just rip it to your computer with Handbrake.

Myself Aged Ten

A guy I don't know even slightly but who's website I read posts a photograph of himself as a teenager. In a completely unrelated incident I'm asked by a friend for a photograph of myself when I'm 10 (for reasons I forget now). I feel these two ideas should come together.

Ten Commandments, Five Ages, and a Sword

These are the Ten Commandments of Youth Work?

As reported on the Youth Blog, Bishop Roger Sainsbury recently outlined the Ten Commandments of Christian Youth Work. They are:

• LISTEN TO THE VOICES OF YOUNG PEOPLE
• HAVE A SPECIAL CONCERN FOR THE SOCIALLY EXCLUDED AND DISADVANTAGED
• WORK CO-OPERATIVELY WITH OTHER AGENCIES, PARTICULARLY SCHOOLS
• GIVE SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT A PRIORITY
• DEMONSTRATE TOUGH LOVE
• OFFER EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL SECURITY
• ORGANISE ACTIVITIES THAT HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FEEL VALUED AND SIGNIFICANT
• CHALLENGE THE DEMONISATION OF YOUNG PEOPLE AND OFFER RESPECT
• HELP BUILD COMMUNITY COHESION BY YOUTH WORK THAT EDUCATES YOUNG PEOPLE TO VALUE OUR COMMON HUMANITY AND SHARED CITIZENSHIP NOT SECTARIAN HATE
• BE ACTIVE POLITICALLY TO SEEK LONG TERM FUNDING FOR YOUTH WORK FROM NATIONAL AND LOCAL GOVERNMENT

For the record, I think these are all terribly wrong. But before I get into that I'd like to say the following; these are all good and proper things that Christians should be doing if they do youth work. Certainly if you're working for a secular youth work organisation, this is entirely what you should be doing, and if you are in Christian ministry working with the poor and disadvantaged and the socially excluded then I'd suggest that you should probably be doing all these things at least at some point (apart from maybe the last one). And so maybe, when Bishop Roger Sainsbury says these things he only means in relation to youth work done by Christians in the context of secular agencies and not Christian ministry. But I don't think he does, I think he means, as someone speaking to Christians, that these should be taken in the contexts of explicitly Christian work.

So if they are good commandments sometimes why am I saying they are all terribly wrong? Because you can keep all those commandments and never do a bit of Christian youth work. The job of Christian youth work is the same as every other Christian ministry, to glorify God through proclaiming Christ crucified to people and so making disciples of all nations. And so if these ten commandments don't necessarily do that, they aren't necessarily a good thing, and therefore aren't commandments, merely good ideas that you should put into practice if they will help your ministry.

Quick Links

• Q&A: Youth justice system. What the Youth Justice System is, courtesy of the BBC.

• Tim Hawkins on getting old (and being young) in youth work (self referential I know, but whatever).

• Article on Christian youth conferences and culture in the associated press (ht).

• Story about drug use among Asian young people. Nothing revolutionary, but if you work with a similar group of young people it's worth a read.

• Church youth worker attacked with a sword. Automatically wins 'my youth work's tougher than your youth work' bragging contests.

King Amaziah

This is a deeply deeply terrifying part of the bible.

"Amaziah was twenty-five years old when he began to reign, and he reigned twenty-nine years in Jerusalem. His mother's name was Jehoaddan of Jerusalem. And he did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, yet not with a whole heart." 2 Chronicles 25:1-2, emphasis mine.

Later in life Amaziah ended up re-introducing idols to Israel and it's not good. And if he can obey God without his whole heart, then how badly can I go wrong? Oh gosh. Terrifying.

"O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be
Let that grace now, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above." (Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing)

Five Stages Of Youth Ministry

From a seminar by Tim Hawkins

1) One of the gang (16-20's) 1-5 years older than the young people
2) Big Sibling (20-25) 5-10 years older than the young people
3) Avuncular (25-35) 10-20 years older than the young people
4) Parents (35-60) old enough to be their parents
5) Grandparents (60+) old

Groups 1 & 2 exist on planet youth
Groups 3, 4 & 5 exist on planet adult

If you want to visit planet youth from adult then that's cool, as long as you're willing to give time and respect to them. And don't pretend like you already live in planet youth. You don't, move on.

Bible Centred Youth Worker Conference

Hello! I'm at the Bible Centred Youth Worker Conference for a week, I'll maybe let you know how it goes. Or maybe save it for Friday, or maybe, just maybe forget to say anything. These things happen eh?

What Is The Square Root Of Cat?

Doug asks "What Is The Square Root Of Cat?"

Available in All 3 Formats!

Much to my surprise today, while walking down one of the many tunnels that make up the Oxford Circus tube, I found myself staring at an advert telling me to buy 'Some Might Say' by Oasis when it comes out on Monday, April 24. I was slightly taken aback by this, seeing as it's my brothers birthday on that day and even if I wasn't busy then, I'd still only be 11 years old and I'd be living in Beirut. And then I realised, much to my delight, that in stripping off all the tiles and the poster boards as part of the ongoing Oxford Circus tube renovations they've uncovered a whole load of plastered over posters, one going back to at least 1989.

They're awesome posters and in an awesome location. They'll also probably be gone in a few days, so if you get the chance go into Oxford Circus tube and they're after the first escalator (you've got to be going into Oxford Circus to see them, they exit at that station is completely separate).

Drop Out, Sell Out, Go Read Something Else

Young People Should Drop Out Of School Earlier

Or at least, that's what the BBC suggest, sort of, in passing. Actually really they just say 'hey look, three people didn't get any real results and look how well they've done.'

The best quotes come from last years' Apprentice winner, Michelle Dewberry, ranging from the dubiously researched but offering a decent point;

"Richard Branson left school to set up businesses in his bedroom or garage. If the government had quashed that kind of thing then we wouldn't have half the businesses we have now."

to the resourceful if somewhat short-sighted;

"The only regret that I have about not paying attention in school is a lack of basic understanding in subjects like geography, which isn't necessarily a problem because I can Google anything."

FBI Media

Looking for another way to get your young people wanting more? FBI Media specialise in bringing advertising to youth clubs. "FBI Youth is a Brand Manager’s dream. In a world where it is increasingly difficult to target the youth market, FBI Youth offers a direct route to 12-19 year old audience profile across the whole of the UK, via a 6 sheet media platform." You, the youth club owner, take a share of the profits, well, and they take a share of large and obtrusive adverts slammed all around their youth club. The good news is that all the adverts are ethically sound, they're just advertising to young people in their own youth club.

And a bunch of quick links

• Middle School maybe over rated. A link and conversation on Mark O's blog about why you might want to not separate 11-13 year olds from the Kids work.

• Young People are using words made up by predictive text as real words. Possibly, I've never seen or heard this in action, and find it slightly improbable to believe. Still, I like the use of the word 'book' instead of the word 'cool'. And if LOL can slip into spoken conversation, why can't anything?

• Everyone else is having teenagers one of the evidences is that marriage is being put off increasingly till later. In some countries it's gone back on average two years to 18. I find that amazing.

• Educated women make the 'best' drunks. Well, at least when they're young.

• Advertising in the society Guardian costs in the region of £2K for the smallest reasonably sized adverts (business card sized). Apparently it's gets the workers though. (If I could link conversations I've had with other youth workers over the last few days, I would).

Doesn't Look A Thing Like Jesus

I'm currently loving the website for The God Who Wasn't There (and presuambly the movie) for their push towards denying the humanity of Jesus.

"The early founders of Christianity seem wholly unaware of the idea of a human Jesus" (link).

In these post-Da-Vinci Code days of casual Adoptionism and outright denial of Jesus' divinity it's nice to see an attempt to revive good old-fashioned Docetism.

(For those who don't follow exciting theological arguments around the nature of Christ that were decided at a minimum of 1650 years ago and in reality were never seriously doubted by those who really believed the bible, I apologise. For the record though, if you didn't follow the above, the official iamsparticus.com position is that of classical biblical Christianity; Christ is God and Man. Also, the above 'loving' part, is sarcastic.)

Idioms I'd Like To See Slip Into Public Use More For The Show Of Approval It Would Give To Playing Computer Games Than Because Of Their Actual Merit As Idioms

Blue Shelled, as in "I just got blue-shelled" / "my project got blue-shelled". There is nothing more frustrating than the horrible targetting of the Blue Shell that picks on you only because you have proved yourself to be the best at Mario Kart. For every situation in life when you've been viciously picked upon and taken out because you were beating other people...

Black Mesa, as in "it went all Black Mesa". If you're out of touch with life then you won't realise that Black Mesa is the research base in Half-Life that through meddling with powers it doesn't understand effectively opens up the portal to very bad things. Black Mesa ends up getting invaded by para-dimensional monsters, US government black-ops, aliens, and a nuclear bomb. An apt metaphor for life.

Holding their breath for ten minutes, as in "He can hold his breath for ten minutes". Useful if you want to explain to someone in a polite way that someone else has one unique ability, but otherwise is very talented. Also useful if you want to show off your knowledge of early 90's Lucasarts point and click adventures.

New Things

As of this Thursday? Friday? Who knows... We're starting (and by we I mean me) to do some awesome new stuff here. And by awesome new stuff, I mean a round up of this weeks news in youth work. Or, as much of this weeks news in youth work as I can find.

Also, I've started using my Mac at work now. It is bliss. Look, I can shut the case and it goes into standby mode! Glorious!

And finally, today I incorrectly contracted a compound-verb in the imperfect tense because I didn't notice it was a compound-verb. That wasn't too embarrassing, but then I did go and have to make the "UHHHH" dumb facial expression thing. Good skills Sparticus. Good skills.

Really New Music

Tis a very exciting year for new albums being released. This is what you all should buy.

First and foremost, Radiohead are releasing a new album at some point between now and Christmas. As this is Radiohead this almost certainly will be the most important record released all year for music in general. I'm glad I don't know the release date, because not unlike Christ coming back¹, I'd spend the weeks beforehand literally² dying of anticipation.

Other very exciting releases, but perhaps less important for the state of humanity, are the following: Idlewild release "Make Another World", 65daysofstatic release something as yet untitled, The Cooper Temple Clause release "Make This Your Own (in just over a week, JOY), Malcolm Middleton releases "A Brighter Beat" and by far and away most excitingly (apart from Radiohead obviously) Biffy Clyro release an as yet untitled (I think) new album. That reads as a list of all my favourite bands, all of them releasing new stuff. I'd like to think they held a convention where they decided to make me really happy. I also like to think that one day I'll get super powers, but that's another insanely unrealistic story.

¹ It's not like Christ coming back as well. It's a lot less like not like Christ coming back than it is not unlike Christ coming back really, but it's hyperbole and hyperbole is fun.

² Not literally literally obviously.

New Music

Q: "I'd like to buy some new music right now, can you suggest something?."
A: "I'm glad you asked that question."
Q: "Technically you asked that question, this is all one person writing."
A: "You're only saying that because you watched Fight Club last night."
Q: "You're only saying that because you're trying make something of this other than just a music recommendation."
A: "You can't be only saying two different things, then it wouldn't be only."
Q: "Shut up."

Telephony

So the announcement of the new shiny spangly iPhone¹ brings the following thought to my attention.² Why are people so obsessed with handwriting? "ooh wouldn't it be good if you could write on it like paper?".

Handwriting is a barely passable hack. You want to convey ideas from your head to some physical format, one that can be read out. The best possible way this could happen is via telepathy³, your ideas appear automatically on the paper as they are formed. Anything short of this is a hack, someway of getting the ideas down on paper without them automatically forming. Some how, because handwriting is old, it can't be knocked. Actually, you should be looked down upon if you prefer typing to handwriting. And yet, I can type without looking at the keyboard or the screen if I so wish. I just wrote that last sentence with my eyes shut, and apart from not knowing how to spell sentence I did alright. I can't nearly do that with pen, I go off the lines and write over myself.

The conclusion to all this? If someone looks down at your for typing, look them up and down very slowly and be kind and loving to them⁴.

¹ iPhone iPhone iPhone iPhone iPhone iPhone iPhone iPhone iPhone iPhone iPhone.

² And these other thoughts: Where's Leopard? Where's tactile feedback gone?

³ This is the best possible way of doing nearly anything you want to do, apart from maybe prove that you did it.

⁴ This is the best possible way of doing nearly anything you want to do, apart from maybe make you feel like you've proved your point.

!=Passe

Two almost unrelated things:

1. I'm making 1" hipster badges that say "Youth Workers for John Owen", anyone want in?
2. Today I purchased the Clap Your Hands Say Yeah album. After getting past the bizarre opener I think I'm convinced.

I've become the hipster theologically minded youth worker I always feared I would. I'm just glad that when I drafted this out while sitting in Starbucks drinking black coffee using a black medium uni-ball eye I didn't write it in one of those damn Moleskine notepads¹.

¹ Red and Black A5 notepads are the future.

Friday the 5th

• The Independent ran today with one of it's awesome 'this isn't in anyway news but we're going to take up the three front pages of the newspaper with it'. In a novel deviation though, today's topic wasn't climate change or the government screwing up in Iraq... oh wait. Three pages of a former Iraqi minister's ideas on a peace plan that'd work? Gosh that is news.

• I ordered glasses today. Go me. I shall look stunning in both pairs. The actual choosing and ordering of the glasses was one of the worst possible things in the world ever, with drawn out times, no advice and just silly prices. I hated every minute of it. So I won't be telling you all about it.

• The Sarah came down to London t'other day to visit Rhiannon and obviously, far more importantly, me. It turns out that her Dad is chief head of everything non-blameable in Network Railway and I spent at least three minutes trying to persuade her that she should persuade her dad that what we really need in the British transport system is monorails. When this country gets monorail, you need to thank me.

Torchwood Finale

There's this theory that all (or at least most) novels that involve sacrifice are basically a borrowing of the much grander story of Christ dying for the world. I think Russell T. Davies has heard this theory, but perhaps didn't hear that you don't need to copy it word for word. In the final episode of Torchwood the world starts to tear apart because of one man's mistake (I'm spoiling the plot here by the way). There is much personal loss and so Captain Jack steps into try to save the day. By his death he defeats the life destroying monster, but after some days Captain Jack comes back to life. Oh and in the process he declares himself the life, his companions all betray him at the crucial moment and he grants absolution for those sins at the end. Oh, and also the name of the life destroying monster is "Abaddon", the destroyer of worlds. A title used of Satan in the Bible. Perhaps not the most original storyline.

So Russell T. Davies rips of the grand storyline of the Bible (and of therefore of history really), which wouldn't really bother me if he'd got his Christ replacement character right. But alas, Captain Jack Harkness cannot take on the role of Christ successfully because Captain Jack Harkness is a complete ass. This fact really hits towards the end of the episode when after weeks and weeks of terrible leadership, of lies, of deception, of arrogance, of pride, when after his team completely rebel against him because he won't explain why he won't try and save the world, he comes back to the most Judas of his colleagues and before his colleague can even say sorry he says "I forgive you". What an arrogant moron you are Jack Harkness. You think you can offer forgiveness when you've done so much to hurt and offend? You should beg forgiveness from that man.

These are the thoughts of Captain Jack Harkness when it comes to dying to saving the world: "Ha, I'm going to die to save the world, how great am I! Just watch me! And then, I'm going to come back from the dead in a bit and act all snooty about my sacrifice and we're going to leave unsaid that my courageous activities saved the day, but secretly, deep down, we'll all know this to be true and lets be sure it remains that way because I was right". And the person who thinks thoughts like that needs saving as much as everyone else.

Jesus Christ on the other hand, was, is, nor ever will be an ass. And that means he doesn't need someone to save him.

If Things Continue At This Rate

I'll have seen every member of last year's Big Brother by the time the one after next starts. I'll have been to every London Museum by 2047. I'll have been to all the London gig venues by approximately never. I'll be spending more in Starbucks than as I do in the pub each month by the summer. Oh and also the ice-caps shall melt and sea levels will rise and we'll all die, but this isn't iamabigchunkoftheantarticaicesheet.com so it's probably not worth mentioning.