i am sparticus: Words

Thieves Like Laptops & Cake

Thieves like laptops and cake
Where's yours?
(thief thinking "cake or laptop").

Not that I'm childish or anything.

One wedding and uh... well... not much else

Last weekend I went back to Ipswich for the Friday and Saturday as the Girlfriend was there on the second day for a wedding. Obviously, my very presence was a wit, but for some reason I can only remember the following things that would serve to amuse you;

I suppose that's the thing about doing music at Cambridge, it's easy to get really good musicians along to help with your wedding. Oh my word, i'm going to have great ice breakers at my wedding. –Me

Is your girlfriend not coming tonight? Awh, i wanted to see her. I mean, i've seen her already, but only in a little thumbnail in facebook. –A Young Person

Things would have been funnier if Kev had turned up I'm sure.

On changing phone bill addresses with a certain phone company who'll go nameless for now.

Myself: Hi, yeah, i'd like to change the address my bills come to for my phone
3: sure, both addresses?
M: no, just the one i get stuff posted too.
3: okay, sure. Can you tell me your new address?
M: Yeah, it's (and then I give him my address)
3: And that's your billing address?
M: No, that's just the address I want stuff posted too.
3: Okay, so replacing the one that reads (and he gives me the address I used to have stuffed posted too).
M: Yes, that's the one.
3: Okay, so your new billing address is...
M: No, I don't want to change my billing address, I want to change my post address.
3: Oh, maybe it would help if i told you that we call the billing address the one we send bills to. Your profile address is the one we bill you too.
M: Oh. Oh I see.
3: Yes I know that's the opposite of how everyone else in the world uses the terms, but there we go. Would you believe we run a phone network? We own satellites! Would that be all?
M: Yes, thanks.

I'm eagerly awaiting the end of the month so I can see who's going to start getting billed for my phone.

(I made have made some thing of '3's' last line up. Some thing of it.)

Bike

I picked up my bike from Ipswich last weekend, now having somewhere to store it at the flat, and woah, I'm possibly the most inconsiderate cyclist ever. Advice for all, going from predominately throwing my bike down hills in country parks and areas of outstanding national beauty in Swansea, to predominately racing through Cambridge's anti-car pro-cycling streets to catch the early train and thereby avoid all the 13 year old public school commuters, to cycling in London town, maybe not the best training for safe bike riding skills.

I have missed my bike though, it's technically too small for me but in practice if you jack the seat up high enough it makes no difference, and it is eminently chuck-able consequentially. After a bit of a blast around Camden Town to try and find this Morrissons I saw from the train (it's nearer Chalk Farm it turns out), I decided to cycle back along the towpath by the canal. It's a lovely scenic route, except it's a warm Sunday, and half way along you get to Camden Market, which on a warm Sunday isn't scenic, unless you're wearing x-ray glasses that allow you to see buildings through Emo. I didn't have any, so had to be content with pushing my bike slowly through the crowds.

I was going to insert a punchline or something similar here, but I just realised it's time for church, and I can't see the one I'm working on about 'dark blood beneath the wheels, cycled away very fast' going anyway. I did almost see another cyclist fall in the canal when I dog ran at his wheels, but alas, he kept his cool and made it away.

Laundrette

We don't have a dryer in the flat. Nor do we have an airing cupboard. Nor a washing line. Nor a clothes horse. Nor a, well, you get the picture. Fortunately, until we obtain one of those things, there is a laundrette just around the corner from where we live. I've never used a laundrette before and so was slightly amazed to find out that they are awesome. Where else in public is it acceptable to take all of your underwear out of a bag? I'm also fairly sure it's a local meeting point, a melting pot of culture and class, a smorgasbord of experience. I can't prove that it is, because when I went I took a book and only had enough 20p coins for 15 minutes of drying, but still, if I'd been there longer, and someone else had come in, I'm sure we would have struck solid conversational gold.

The New Flat

Check out the set of photos for a better view. You'll notice the lack of front door photo, that's because our number is smack bag in the middle of the front door, and I didn't want you knowing where I lived (and by you, I mean you).

Bacon

One of the things about having just moved house is it makes an enormity of mundane tasks, bringing you to tears almost. So coming home from youth club last night wasn't just make bacon and egg sandwich then go to bed, it was; find frying pan, find knife for bacon packet, find work space, find out how to turn the heat up oh noes! only virgin olive oil, oh well, heat oil, put on bacon, find container for rest of the back, eggs, bin for shells, how do I turn the heat down quickly? No bread bin, where's the butter, WHERE'S THE KETCHUP?

And then you cry

Tuesday the 12th

• I moved house yesterday. It's involved a lot of lifting and moving and cursing at my idea of packing all my books into one large box, but with a fair amount of effort and help from other people, the unpacking is largely done. Photos to follow at some point. Needless to say, it's rather snazzy. If you're after my new address, it's on Facebook and if you're not on Facebook... uh I suppose I could you know, send you a plain text e-mail or something equally Victorian with it in...

• We (myself and the girlfriend) after a day of unpacking yesterday went to see the Premiere of Shrek the Third. In real life Justin Timberlake is exactly how you'd imagine him to look, except if you imagined that he'd look sexy. He doesn't. The film itself was better than I expected (mostly because I expected to want to punch Justin Timberlake's character), though similar to the other Shrek film I've seen, all the minor characters get the best lines / laughs.

• Regarding the Apple announcements yesterday, if you follow Apple geekery, you'll know that for years (since OS X began) people have been crying out for a fix to the finder, sometimes to the extent of people saying they want nothing new, just a fixed finder. So why the big disappoint with the keynote? If the finder's fixed, you should be happy. Punks.

Fake Rowan Williams

The entire interweb must have thought of this idea already and blogged it to death, but in line with the Secret Diary of Steve Jobs, imagine, just for a minute if Rowan Williams had a diary:

Apparently Manchester Cathedral are throwing a hissy fit because the Cathedral is featured as a battle scene in a new computer game. Why do I employ these people? They're having a moan because they get to run around an virtual imitation of their workplace and blow stuff up? What kind of people don't want to blow up where they work? I swear, the second they release one of these games featuring Lambeth Palace, I'm there with a double-barrelled shotgun.

Or something along those lines. With a few quotes from ancient greek tragedies thrown in. In Latin.

Saturday the 9th

• I'm moving house this weekend. Again. Last time though for ages, I promise. Address will be forthcoming if you're expecting it. Or it'll be on Facebook.

• Speaking of which, here's how to make Facebook better. Every application that has it's category as solely 'just for fun' should be deleted, and everyone using them should be banned. Also maybe anyone who joins any group with 'Greatest Race' in the title. Unless they're talking about the 1940 Olympic 100m. That was awesome.

• I'm going to take a shower now. Will I think clearer consequentially? Will the alternating hot and cold temperatures affect the state of my brain? Who knows...

On Showers

Last time on iamsparticus.com I told you how showers made you think better because water hitting your head causes you to think harder. This is still as true as I can establish it to be. A new develop though has it that a cold temperature will cause your capillaries to contract and the blood to rush to the centre of your brain, whereas a warm temperature will do exactly the opposite and populate the outside of your brain with blood.

What could you not do with that information.

Risk, OF DEATH

I was thinking in the shower the other day.

(Apparently this happens more so in the shower than at other times because as the water hits your head it stimulates the blood vessels in your brain, hence more brain activity, hence more thinking. I'm not convinced by this, because if this was true then why have short people not become remarkably more successful over the last fifty years (the period of development and adoption of the modern shower)? Unless of course, short people are genetically stupider than tall people and only now have they been able to catch up to those taller than them in achievements. That would make sense only if there had never been any short people who were remarkably successful, but obviously there have been some. So they all escape me right now, apart from Napoleon, but I'm sure there were more. But if there weren't then that makes it more interesting, because Napoleon was French, which probably affects things some what.)

Anyway. I was thinking the in shower the other day about the board game Risk. I hate the board game Risk, only Monopoly gives me more ire, but I was thinking about it none-the-less. You see, Risk is slightly out-dated now, what with the modern concept of boats, planes and other things that thinking about it, were around when Risk was first invented. But also missing from Risk are nuclear missiles. I think these would revolutionise the game and make it infinitely better. Example:

Player 1: Okay, so I got a six so I start. No reinforcements on the first turn, so I chose to launch a missile at Iceland.
Player 2: Balls, I own that. How many dice do I get?
Player 1: Hang on a sec, let me just check. Uh, none it seems. I get them all.
Player 2: Oh.
Player 1: Roles dice. So that's a five, a four, two threes and one one. Uh, gosh, I think that means I destroy all your players there.
Player 2: Really? Damn. Oh wait, you can't destroy my missiles, they're buried underground. And I think you've got to put five radiation counters down on the country.
Player 1: Okay. Well, next I'm going to launch missiles at Tugunska...
...
Player 1: And now for my troop movement, I move one of these cannons into Jamaica, and I roll three dice because there are three radiation counters down, and all the dice come up with numbers, which means I lose three of my men. Oh well.
Player 2: Okay, my turn. Well, I only have four troops left, so I'd better launch my missiles...
...
Player 2: Phew, well that was busy. Now troop movement. Hmm, I seem to have no troops left. Oh. Gosh. Oh well.
Player 1: Well, never mind, my turn. Except I don't have any troops either.
Player 2: What does that mean?
Player 1: Well I think we've lost.
Player 2: Both of us?
Player 1: Seems so.
Player 2: Oh well. Chess?

Like I said; infinitely better.