i am sparticus: Theories

Theories

Old but important theories

• A Modern Way
• Barney Is Satan
• Born Apart
• Flapjacks are aevil
• Housework is the devils work
• Jerry Springer is more evil than Trisha
• Nothing is the new black
• Papa Roach are Iron Maiden
• Pastor Kids That Go Wrong
• Poor and Starving? No More!
• Raggy Dolls, Raggy Dolls
• The Curious Author Of The Dog At Night

A Modern Way

I have a theory that, one day, people will be having the following conversation.

"You know back when it was first introduced as a popular drink Lemsip was primarily used for it's medicinal effects?"
"No way."
"I read it on wikipedia."

Barney Is Satan

I must confess this is not my personal Theory but it is a good one none the less.Barney is the kids favourite cute purple dinosaur. He is big and purple but if we look at the Latin we will see a shocking revelations.
Barney= Cute Purple Dinosaur, or in the original Latin
Cvte Pvrple Dinosavr.
Now if you take all the Latin Numbers out of that you get the numbers C, V, V, L, D, I, v Now in English that is 100, 5, 5, 500, 50, 1, 5 which when added up equal
666 THE NUMBER OF THE DEVIL (6)
Therefore barney is the devil, probably.

Born Apart

Here's a fun game to play when you're trapped in an elevator with people you don't know, it's called "What Would Your Parents Have Called You If You Had Be Born The Opposite Sex?". The game consists of you saying that question to a person and then expecting an answer. That's it. If you need any further explaining of this game then you might want to reconsider using something as complicated as an elevator.

The game may not sound like great fun, but what is interesting is the way people will reply. Around 90% of men won't know what they'd have been called if born a girl. I've yet to meet a girl who doesn't know what they would have been called if they'd been born a guy.

Explanations for this? I have two theories. The first theory is that that sort of information has no practical use and as guys generally learn through practical ways, they don't remember it. Girls however, always seem to know impractical information (for example what colours match each other, how long it's been since you tidied your desk, what exactly you're wrong with your general attitude to life) such as knowing what you'd have been called if you were a boy.

The second theory is that parents expect to have boys if if they have no preference or want a girl. So if they want a girl they still think of boys names 'just in case', whereas if they want a boy they don't bother thinking of a girls name because they think they'll have one. So either way girls always have a back up name but guys rarely do.

Obviously I have no proof of this, but it's a fun topic to debate and if you're stuck in an elevator it's not like you've got much else to talk about is it?

Flapjacks are aevil

Anyone who has been into any school dinner hall will understand this theory. Flap jacks are basically chocolate cereal things. They break up into lots of pieces making it easier to eat them. And more critically, easier to DROP PIECES. These now slightly grubby pieces then get swept up and pressed together. These pieces are then dropped into a giant paint thingy, which sprays them brown again. Then these old pieces are added to the new ones completing the cycle. Nowthis is only mildly disgusting till you realise that because of this bits of flapjack are floating around the school that every lunch are dropped on the floor. So the older your cafeteria is, The older the next flapjack you eat couldbe. With thanks to Mr. John Critchley for the help with this theory.

Housework is the devils work

Right everyone knows the old expression "the devil makes work for idle hands", yes? Well whenever I'm not doing anything and I say "I'm not doing anything" people always go "oh well there is plenty of housework to do". Now you see, I pondered this for a while and thought "my hands are idle, and they offer me housework, surely they should offer me work poking burning people in hell with a trident instead?". Then it dawned on me, housework Must be the devils work, otherwise why would people try to get my idle hands to do it. Fortunately I find other things to occupy my hands with (like this website) and hence make good use of my idle hands and avoid the temptation of aiding the devil through housework.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go exorcise the washing machine

Jerry Springer is more evil than Trisha

Everyone has watched Jerry Springer and Trisha right? If not the don't bother, but if you do so happen to watch either programs, make note of the chairs they use. Examples can be seen below. First, is the Jerry Springer Chair, second, is the Trisha Chair.


Now you see the difference between these two chairs? The Jerry Springer one is metal, light and easy to grip making it the ideal weapon in chair form (as used by pro-wrestlers world-wide). Whereas the Trisha chair is heavy, hard to grip and soft making this the least deadly of the chair family. This is further proof that Jerry Springer is (shock horror!) not in it for the good of humanity.Where as Trisha might be. Which ends my Trisha is the Devil theory.

Update as of 11/12/03

After seeing Trisha being filmed the other day, I realised that the chairs have changed! (See exclusive proof here, or just watch it on tv) They are now a lot higher off the ground, and a lot more pick-a-up-able. This coincides with Trisha becoming a lot more trashy, and having a lot more programs which seem to be more about stirring up trouble, rather than solving issues.

Nothing is the new black

It has been suggested over the years that various colours are the new black. mainly doing the suggesting have been fashion people and occasionally pop stars and celebrities. However after hours of careful research it has to be noted that NOTHING IS THE NEW BLACK. All artist and scientists seem to concur on this matter, one even explained it with diagrams. So why do people insist other colours are the new black? Well it seems that the fashion people are bribed by various fashion guru's to pretend that something is the new black,as black is too hard to manufacture, due to stuff. Which I haven't thought of yet. But some global conspiracy is undoubtedly responsible for this evil.

Papa Roach are Iron Maiden

It's Controversial but when you look at the facts you can't deny it. Papa Roach are Iron Maiden in disguise. Or possibly Iron Maiden are using Papa Roach as robots. Proof? Okay.

Point One: The Iron Maiden song "The Prowler" has exactlythe same riff as the Papa Roach song "Between Angels and Insects" which is the same but higher.
Point Two: 2/3rds of the way through TheIron Maiden Song "Ghengis Khan" the riff from "Last Resort" appears.
Point Three: Iron Maiden have a song on the album "Brave New World" called "Blood Brothers". And on the Papa Roach album "Infest" their is a song called "blood brothers".
Point Four: The hidden track on Papa Roaches "Infest" album has a song with the lyrics 'there's a thin line between what is good and what is evil' and the last track on Iron Maiden's "Brave new world" is called "the thinline between love and hate"
TOO MUCH. LETS START A PETITION TO UNVEIL IRON MAIDEN AS THE HIDDEN PUPPETEERS BEHIND PAPA ROACH.
with lots of help on papa roach and iron maiden facts from :lardpony: and Jaclyn Martin

Pastor Kids That Go Wrong

I'm going to assume that everyone here knows basically biology, so I'll make my introduction to today's topic brief. Pastors/Vicars/Ministers generally get married and, as most married folks do, generally have kids. These kids then grow up, go to church (their dad's a pastor remember?), go to school, go to university, get jobs, get married and have their own children. Pretty standard stuff so far yes? Not much different than any other kids of middle class (their dad's a pastor remember?) parents?
The difference is that while the majority of Pastor Kids end up leading bible studies, running Christian Unions and generally saving the heathen for burning coals and eternal damnation, at least one kid in each family will go at least slightly off the rails.
Not only that, but how off the rails they go is directly proportional to how many kids there are. So a pastor with two kids will have one angelic one and one slightly troublesome one, a pastor with two kids will have two angelic kids and one moderately troublesome one. A pastor with four kids though, will have three angelic ones and one crazy-messed up-havoc causing child.

I have no explanation for why this phenomenon exists, but exist it does. Probably. It should be noted that Missionary Kids are never anything but perfect and that only child pastor kids can go either way. It should also be noted that I once knew an American guy who was thinking about going into ministry. He had nine children.

Poor and Starving? No More!

Right, so starvation yeah? terrible thing right? So how do we end it? simple get lots of old ladies (preferable grandmas) and ship them all to various places of starvation (some African countries, parts of South America and Asia, the final term of university) and they can cook sumptuous and plentiful meals for everyone.
So simple I can't think why no-one has thought of it

Raggy Dolls, Raggy Dolls

Have you ever thought that

Mike Pilavachi (christian dude who runs Soul Survivor
looks like

Sad Sack (from the raggy dolls)
It leads me to presume they are actually THE SAME PERSON!! How strange and bizarre. But there we go. You heard it here first
Note this isn't my theory, it's actually Alasdair's but it's too good not to be thieved and stuck up online somewhere

The Curious Author Of The Dog At Night

I have this theory. I think that the book "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time" is not written by the ascribed author, Mark Haddon. This is not because I don't think Mark Haddon is capable of writing this book, but rather because I think someone else wrote it. More specifically I think that Nick Hornby (he of High Fidelity/About A Boy/Fever Pitch fame) wrote it (Warning, Spoilers).

Top Five Reasons Why I Believe Nick Hornby Wrote "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time"

1. It's written in the style and manner of Nick Hornby. It's in the first person (as is High Fidelity and Fever Pitch), it brings out the humour in the ordinariness of middle class life (as do all Nick Hornby's books), it's ultimately about relationships (as all Nick Hornby's book are, the High Fidelity film tagline got it right) and countless other smaller things
2. Nick Hornby has a son who is autistic (the protagonist (is that the right word?) is autistic in "The Curious Incident..."), and while his son is a lot younger than the kid in "The Curious Incident..." Nick Hornby has probably read up a lot about autism, and so knows what he is talking about.
3. The book's based in geographical areas that Nick Hornby knows about.
4. It seems awfully personal (Again, like all Nick Hornby's books). The parents' marriage broke down partially because of how hard it was to cope with an autistic child? Same with Nick Hornby.
5. The name Mark Haddon is not a million miles away from the name Nick Hornby.

My thinking on why he used a pen name is that as Nick Hornby cites having to cope with the difficulties of an autistic child as one of the reasons for his marriage break up, to write a book about a marriage break up primarily because of an autistic child would make everyone try and guess how much of the story was true. As the wife runs off with another man and the husband tells the child that his mum is dead, it's not really a story you want people holding up to your life and saying "I wonder if this is all really true and he did tell his son his mum was dead".

The only thing standing in the way of my theory is the fact that Mark Haddon is already an existing author. However, if Nick Hornby genuinely wanted to keep his identity a secret, then making up an author isn't going to work. People will get suspicious and want to meet them and so on. By asking an existing author if they can use their name, all those problems are solved.